Standing Up for New Underdogs

The rich are different from you and me: They have more enemies.

I am not one of them, however.

I like the rich. And I’ll give you an example of why.

When rich people go to lunch and the check comes, this is what you hear:

“I’ll get it.”

“No, let me.”

“No, I’ll get it.”

“No, I insist.”

When my friends and I go to lunch and the check comes, this is what you hear:

“Who had the meatball sub?”

“I didn’t have an appetizer.”

“She never brought my Coke.”

“I only have a dollar.”

Yes, I am not afraid to admit I am a defender of the rich. And the rich certainly need defending these days. That’s because of what Malcolm Forbes recently did.

Forbes, a magazine publisher with oodles of money, threw a 70th birthday party for himself two months ago. He flew 600 of his closest friends--some of whom he actually knew--over to Morocco for a big party. It was a real extravaganza and it cost Forbes $2 million.

Ever since, there has been a firestorm of criticism. There have been magazine articles, columns, newspaper editorials and an entire half-hour of “Nightline” devoted to attacking Forbes.

I have read and watched it all. And the one thing I learned is that the rich are not supposed to spend their money. Or, at the very least, they are not supposed to spend it in extravagant and foolish ways.

But if you can’t spend your money in extravagant and foolish ways, what’s the point of being rich?

Forbes, as near as I can tell, did not knife anybody to get his money. He did not pull off any stock market swindles or even dress in leather and chains and vomit on stage during rock concerts to get his dough.

Why am I sticking up for the rich? Well, because as wealthy as they are, I feel sorry for them. That’s because many of them are as dumb as doorknobs.

That’s right. You do not have to be smart to be rich. You just have to find people dumber than you to buy whatever you are selling.

Take Forbes’ party. Boy, was it dumb. He had a perfect right to throw it, but it was still dumb. I’ll prove it:

What does Malcolm Forbes do? He holds a party in Morocco in August. And guess what his equally dumbo rich friends find out? Gossip columnist Liz Smith, who went to the party, complained about it in print and on TV. She got to Morocco in August and found out it was hot .

Liz never guessed that the desert wasn’t air-conditioned! How was she to know? It wasn’t on the invitation.

So she and the other guests got there and sweated like absolute hogs.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Which is another reason we should appreciate the rich: They are always good for a laugh.

But some journalists got angry at Forbes because they were afraid he was going to deduct the cost of the party from his taxes. They saw no reason for the American taxpayer to subsidize Forbes’ luxuries.

They are right. And, as it turned out, Forbes is not deducting the party from his taxes.

But I sure hope none of the journalists who complained ever go out to lunch with “sources” and then turn in the tab as a business expense.

And I wonder about those newspapers that did editorials criticizing Forbes. I wonder how many of those newspapers own skyboxes or season tickets to sporting events? That’s 80% tax-deductible too. And the American taxpayer is forced to subsidize that luxury.

So let’s play fair. As long as Forbes gives to charity and doesn’t try to get the rest of us to pay for his parties, I say let him go ahead and make a dork out of himself.

And I’ve got a suggestion for his next bash:

I hear Iceland in January is simply splendid.