Mystified by Berets, Snowball Machines and David Letterman
SIMON SAYS: Note to men who wear French berets: You look goofy!
People who flash their lights to warn you of hidden police cars are either good guys or lousy citizens.
More and more TV commercials are so mystifying that you have no idea what they are selling until the very end.
The end of life as we know it: Hammacher-Schlemmer offers a snowball-making machine. Just $19.95 for two.
The fourth answer on David Letterman’s Top 10 List is the funniest of all more than 60% of the time.
Could Hurricane Hugo and the San Francisco earthquake be God’s way of telling us we should live in the Midwest?
I ate McRibs years ago when they were test-marketed in Chicago and here is the problem: The meat is shaped like little rib bones, but you bite into them. Then every time you eat real ribs, you have to remember whether you are supposed to bite into the bone or not. It just takes too much thinking for the average rib eater.
This item has been purchased by the Mitsubishi Corp.: “Work! Consume! Work harder! Consume more!”
We now return you to the regular column.
When is the last time you saw a double feature? (Probably the last time you saw a double-header.)
How come every time I go into a Pier 1 Imports, it reminds me of college?
All police cars should carry portable screens so officers could screen off accidents and prevent gapers’ blocks.
Will the last person to leave East Germany please turn off the strudel?
Blockbuster thriller for your Christmas list: “Lair of the Fox” by Daniel Pollock.
I don’t know anyone who does not believe Mikhail Gorbachev will win the Nobel Peace Prize in the next few years. And I also don’t know anyone who thinks George Bush will win it. Does this tell us something?
It’s a fact of life: Some people just open pistachios better than other people.
You know you’re old if you can remember when $6 worth of groceries filled the bag.
How come green olives come in jars and black olives come in cans?
Elayne Boosler has it right: You know you’re in love when you’re willing to share your cash machine number.
I can’t remember the last time a Fuller Brush salesman came to the door.
I don’t care if they are getting $5 million apiece: I think it’s ridiculous for Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill to compete on “Celebrity Mud Wrestling.”
If the restaurant doesn’t make the Caesar salad at table side, don’t bother ordering it.
There is a special place in hell for the owners of car washes that eat license plates.
How come there are dinner theaters but no dinner movies?
The worst drivers in the world are found in supermarket parking lots. The second worst drivers in the world are found inside supermarkets.
It used to be “Join the Navy and see the world!” Now it’s “Join the Navy and for gosh sake be careful!”
I can’t help it. I like “Doogie Howser, M.D.”
Only in America could children refuse to eat the heels of bread and get away with it.
Fascinating reading this month from the Berkeley Wellness Letter: “Despite popular belief, it’s not possible to rupture the eardrum by blowing your nose too hard.”
How come I can never find an electrician like Lech Walesa?
Don’t get depressed by all the stories you will soon see about “holiday depression.” Some studies have shown that depression and suicides do not increase around holiday time, and that the most depressing thing you are likely to encounter is all the stories in the media about depression.
I don’t care what anybody says, we never had weather like this before Jim Bakker was sent to prison.
The first Thanksgiving meal, which served 91 Indians and 56 settlers, was prepared by just four Pilgrim women and two teen-age girls. Not much has changed.
The formula for a successful marriage is to never have fewer than two bathrooms.
