Impostors Among the Unattached: How to Expose Them

Lizabeth was upset when she called last week. Only two weeks ago, she was brimming with girlish delight, talking about “Ted.”

She met him six weeks ago at a popular Orange County singles dance. Handsome, humorous and gainfully employed (unlike the last guy she dated), he looked as if he might be “the one.”

He swept her off her feet with kind and thoughtful gestures that went further than traditional flowers and candy. He was Johnny-on-the-spot, offering to fix an annoying kitchen faucet drip. When she needed to paint an unfinished book shelf, he surprised her by bringing all the necessary supplies.

He spoke of wanting a “committed relationship”--something Liz has wanted for a long time.

Her story sounds good so far, right?

Well, not exactly.

After a few weeks she noticed that every date they had was during the week--never on weekends. Once, after making a weekend date with her, he canceled at the last minute, leaving a message on her answering machine. A family emergency, he said. This confused her since he said he had no family in California.

She discovered other incongruities that at first seemed plausible. He said he lived in San Diego but worked in Anaheim. He explained the daily commute by saying that he hesitated to sell his home because he could not get equal value in Orange County.

She thought nothing more about it until she realized that he always called her from his office, never home. “He had never offered me his home phone number, either.”

One Thursday night when he was supposed to be out of town, she ran into him at a large singles’ gathering. She approached him, he greeted her with a warm hug and told her that his business trip had been canceled at the last minute. He had spontaneously decided to attend the function “hoping to run into you here” because his briefcase has been stolen, along with his personal phone book with her number inside it.

While at the dance, he asked her out for the following Thursday night. He talked of wanting to take her to Palm Springs soon for an entire weekend. Liz was hopeful again.

Thursday night came, but Ted did not. No phone call.

Unless you need bricks to fall on your head, you’ve no doubt reached the obvious explanation: Ted is married.

Single people are sometimes conned by married people who pose as singles and hide their true identities.

Dr. Monte Joy Farrin, an Orange-based psychotherapist, has counseled hundreds of heartbroken singles, mostly women, who have become enamored of less than ethical married people.

“They are exciting, fun; they tell the woman everything she longs to hear and makes her feel like Queen for a Day, and that’s about how long it lasts,” Farrin said.

Farrin said there is a difference between a married man who enjoys a special relationship with a woman other than his wife and a married man who habitually preys on the feelings and vulnerabilities of another person.

The thrill for the second man, she explained, seems to come from extracting admiration, loyalty, sex, and sometimes money from another person.

“Frequently, these individuals derive a great deal of pleasure from knowing that the person is at their beck and call.”

A bigger thrill for some comes from letting the person down. “These people often avenge themselves on the wrong target. In other words, they were themselves wounded so they are out to hurt someone else, thinking this will make them feel better, but of course, it doesn’t, yet they continue the pattern anyway.”

When women cheat on their husbands, they usually don’t do it the same way as men, Farrin said. “They bank on being mysterious or coy. Or she will go out dancing with female friends, and if she meets someone, she won’t say she’s single. She’ll say she’s having marital problems, or she’s trying to get out of the marriage.”

Do dirty rotten scoundrels ever end up together? Only in the movies, Farrin said. “And that’s purely fiction because in real life they aren’t attracted to each other. If there is a ‘con-or’ there also must be a ‘con-ee.’ Sort of a perverse yin and yang.”

Part of the excitement for these people is snagging someone who is unsuspecting and vulnerable, she added.

But Liz isn’t desperate, and she isn’t dumb. She’s attractive, bright and interesting. She operates her own small business and does well. She is trusting but not gullible. Yet she didn’t suspect that Ted was married.

Why?

“You don’t have to be desperately lonely to fall for this kind of person, but often they assume--and often they are correct--that single people who attend singles events, place or answer ads are ripe, willing to be plucked,” Farrin said.

What advice does she give to singles who may encounter such people? “Let them repair your plumbing and then drop them,” she quipped. She urges women to use common sense. “Just go slowly, one step at a time. People with flash and dash who are always talking are trying to keep you from thinking twice. Approach them cautiously.”

She cautions single women that they may be dating a married man if:

* Your dates are only during the week.

* While talking or dancing with you, his eyes scan the room, either worrying about getting caught or looking for fresh prey.

* He interrupts your date to make “business” calls that are probably a call to check on the home front.

* He calls you “‘hon,” “babe” or anything but your real name so he doesn’t risk calling you the wrong name.

* He hangs on your every word. He’s used to his wife complaining that he never listens so he makes sure to listen to you.

* He never introduces you to his friends.

* He rarely calls you in the evening.

* He stops returning your calls promptly.

* He makes a lot of business trips that are inconsistent with his line of work.

* He drives a suburban-style station wagon.

Farrin adds, “If his socks match, it’s a dead giveaway.”