Try a Little Tact and Taste When You Want to Network People

If you’re going to network someone, network them with your best shot. It’s amazing how often networkers approach a potential networkee with an offensive overture. Why not just say, “Hey, Swine, can I show you something in pearl?”

I was talking about this with my friend Mona, who heads the media department of a major corporation. She described a recent phone call from an old friend from her days in public radio. He reminisced about the fine work Mona did before she “went corporate.” After a few perfunctory inquiries about her personal life, he got to the point.

“Listen, I’m thinking of getting into corporate,” he said. “It’s time to grab the old paycheck and run. I’ve tried to get into TV, but it’s so competitive. I can do really great things, but nobody will give me a break. I’d like to do in-depth stuff about Nicaragua and the homeless, but nobody will pay for that. So I’m ready to sell out like you did. You want to hire me?”

Would you give this man a break?

I understand the instinct here. It’s clear that some people don’t get ahead by having talent, working hard and paying their dues. They do it by knowing the right people and exploiting those connections. But how often people will blow those tenuous connections by being flamingly stupid? I’ve done it myself.

A few years back, I discovered that Harold Ramis (the third ghostbuster) went to my high school. So I sent him my book along with a letter. I didn’t save the letter, but as I recall it went something like this:

Hal Baby:

You may not remember me from high school. That’s because I probably didn’t speak to you then. See, back then you were a nerd. In fact, I didn’t know you from Adam (Adam Skolnick--he was on the fencing team, too). And you were a year younger than me. I’m sure you can appreciate that it would have been beneath the dignity of a popular, attractive senior like myself to speak to a dweeb like you.

But how the worm has turned. All of a sudden, Hersh Ramis, the nothing, the nobody, the geek, is Harold Ramis, the big important Hollywood actor/writer/director. Who’d have guessed it? Certainly not me.

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing. Well, I think you can do something for me. I don’t know what it is. You don’t know what it is. But if you think real hard, I’m sure you can come up with something. And when you think of what that is, you may call me.

If I ever actually pointed at you and laughed out loud when you were going to your locker, I’m sorry. I’ve grown a lot as a person.

Your real good buddy, Alice Kahn

For some reason, he never answered.

I thought about the letter to Hal when I got a phone call the other day from someone who I eventually realized was networking me. I’ve gotten these phone calls before, usually from other writers who say, “Listen, anyone can do what you’re doing, so how do I get your job?”

This caller wasn’t offensive so much as pathetic. Believe me, there is nothing more pathetic than a person who networks a writer. Send flowers to the editor. Take a publisher to lunch. Sleep with the custodian. But networking a writer is diagnostic for Petite Perception of Power Syndrome.

This phone call was from a distant cousin I hadn’t heard from in 25 years. At first I thought somebody had died, but he insisted that it was just a friendly call. He asked about myself, my family, if I liked California (after 25 years) and finally, finally got to the point.

“So I’m thinking of getting into writing,” he said. “I’ve been in franchised pizza for the last few years. I own a Domino’s here in Grover’s Corners.”

“Why call me?”

“I figure you’re a writer. You’ve got connections. You can help me.”

“What have you written?”

“Well, I haven’t written anything down yet. But a lot of funny things happen in franchised pizza, and I think I could write about that.”

I told him to be sure and send something after he writes it down.

“I’ll do that,” he said. “You’re going to be hearing a lot more from me now.” Then he added, “Alice, I love you.”

Look, Cousin Louie, I can’t tell you how to network. But I’m beginning to think bribery leaves everyone with a lot more dignity.