VALENTINE’S DAY 1990: <i> A Story of Love in the San Gabriel Valley</i> : A Perfect Time to Treat ‘Victims of Love’ : Relationships: A counselor-therapist has a blunt assessment of most affairs of the heart. The good news is the wounds can be healed.

The timing was perfect. Here it was, the week before Valentine’s Day, and Susana Weinstein was giving her “Victims of Love” talk at the local YWCA.

Ten people showed up for the program, sponsored by San Gabriel Valley Singles, a support group for people who are divorced, widowed or never married. They listened attentively, but revealed little of their own romantic quandaries.

“I think there’s such a thing as situational shyness,” said the only man in the audience.

Weinstein stayed around to chat, however, offering some perspectives--both gloomy and optimistic--on relations between the sexes on Valentine’s Day, 1990.

First, the bad news. Weinstein believes that the vast majority of people involved in relationships--80% to 95%--are some kind of “victims of love” who suffer rather than benefit from their involvement.

“Only 5% to 20% of the population has a background that allows for total support of the self,” said Weinstein, 61, a licensed marriage counselor and family therapist who has a bilingual (English-Spanish) private practice in West Covina. “The rest are in some way victims.”

Victims of love, both women and men, find themselves in rigid, limiting roles in their relationships, she said. Such roles--such as acting subservient or over-attentive--can cause unhappiness and inhibit personal growth, said Weinstein, also a licensed hypnotherapist.

“Pain comes from constriction of the self,” she said, “and constriction of the self brings unhappiness. When love hurts, there is something that is not responding to our natural need to grow.”

Victims of love often are haunted by their own fears, neuroses and imaginary thoughts of doom, and are afraid to do what’s best for themselves, she said. In severe cases, they are battered by their spouses or partners.

Mostly, they are dependent on their partners for emotional fulfillment, Weinstein said, adding that many are the children or spouses of alcoholics or drug addicts. “Being a victim of love is a disease.”

The good news is that there is a cure, she said. But sufferers have to be ready to take action.

Weinstein says she knows this from firsthand experience. Originally from Argentina, she married at 19, raised two children (both are now psychologists) and one day concluded that she was letting life pass her by.

Although she returned to college, earned a doctorate in psychology at the University of Belgrano in Buenos Aires, and even opened a parental counseling school called the Institute for Integral Preparation, it wasn’t enough. After 28 years of a “long and fulfilling” marriage, Weinstein filed for divorce.

“At a certain point I realized what my level of victimization was. I could see other women growing, but not me. My purpose was to raise a family and make this man happy. Reality showed me that I felt very constricted.

“Suddenly, it became too tight. It became too painful. I needed to look into it. I realized we had grown differently. We had grown apart. I finally had to make a choice.”

During the same period, Weinstein said, she had been persecuted and detained by Argentina’s ruling junta for her activities in education and psychology.

Between that and the break-up of her marriage, she realized it was time for action. So she fled her native land in 1977 and immigrated to the United States.

“I started from zero with one suitcase, 48 years of age, just trusting in the universe,” she said. “I left everything behind. I finally took total responsibility. I was looking inside and recognizing my limitations, but also my possibilities. When I came here I was able to find all those aspects of my life that were inhibited before.”

Nevertheless, Weinstein, who has not remarried, rarely counsels her clients to take such extreme measures to find happiness. Indeed, she usually recommends that they stay in relationships and examine them.

“It’s not the severity of the problem that determines the recovery. It’s the willingness to look at what may be painful,” she said. “It’s only pain that teaches us. It’s such a wonderful master, pain. It’s like the popular saying, ‘No pain, no gain.’ ”

Not that discoveries are necessarily grim. On Valentine’s Day, for instance, when many couples renew their commitment to love, victims of love have a “wonderful opportunity” to make a commitment to grow, she said.

“There are two ways you can go. Either on the road of protection, in which you inhibit yourself and live the life that is basically safe but meaningless. Or you can travel the path of learning about each other. Love can’t happen when we only see our own fantasies and illusions.”