Forecast for ‘90s Relationships: Practical Passion

Enter the ‘90s and weep. You can’t buy a house on even a decent income. You may as well pack away your parka because global warming trends will keep you toasty. Oat bran doesn’t do diddly, and, heck, if you can’t believe in Perrier . . . well, I’m just not sure what the use is anymore.

But men and women, take heart: If the world’s woes lead to anxiety, they may also lead to love--or at least a practical, ‘90s-style facsimile of love.

“People are fearful about the economy, the environment, their futures in general,” says Abby Hirsch, founder of the Godmothers, a New York-based matchmaking service. “Fear leads to bonding.”

And in the ‘90s, says Hirsch and other love gurus, there will be a lot of bonding going on. More exclusive relationships, more cocooning, more marriage and commitment. Both men and women will be looking for nurturing, stable relationships, they say, rather than for dating fests or forays through sexual Disneylands.

“Diseases, crime and fear are dictating how people are reacting,” says longtime Washington nightclub owner Michael O’Harro, a 50-year-old bachelor who says even he’s settling into an exclusive relationship these days. “Everyone’s in a protective mode with their lives.”

Even the twentysomething set, although they may not be marriage-minded, are interested in “short-term bonding,” as one 24-year-old woman put it, rather than in variety-pack-style dating.

“I see people dating fewer people, and they want to know a lot more in advance,” says Kurt Morrow, co-owner of the Baltimore and Washington branches of Great Expectations, a video-dating service. “They’re expecting a lot. They’re looking for more in a relationship than I saw five or six years ago.”

And what they’re looking for may have more to do with practicality and payment plans than passion.

“I have some clients who want to buy a house who are re-examining what partners are for,” Hirsch says. “Professional women have become much more valuable. A few years ago, men didn’t want hard-driving women. Now these women have taken on a new sheen, a high rating in the marketplace.”

Needs, Hirsch says, lead to romance. “People are being nicer to one another because they need each other more.”

That’s why the nurturing woman, as well as the professionally ambitious type, will become highly desirable in the harried, fax-it, Fed-Ex-it ‘90s, romance arbiters say.

“If I’ve had a bad day at the office, I don’t want to come home to a woman and have her try to solve my problems,” O’Harro says. “I want her to make me feel good. I want her to pet me, or hug me, or say, ‘Let’s go upstairs and I’ll give you a back rub.’ ”

Along the same lines, Hirsch sees more instances of older men dating women their own age. “Men don’t want to be mentors when they’re feeling insecure,” she explains.

As for men’s rating in the marketplace, the once popular playboy and man-about-town has moved down a few notches since he’s perceived as an “emotional and physical risk,” says Rebecca Sydnor, author of “Making Love Happen: The Smart Love Approach to Romance Management in the ‘90s” and director of romance for Korbel Champagne Sellers.

But also outmoded, adds Sydnor (who met her husband through a personal ad), are men who are nothing more than “good providers.”

Hirsch agrees that, for their part, men have to offer more than money and position to appeal to women in the ‘90s. She says: “Women are looking for nice, stable men who really want to spend time with them. Everyone is fighting for time in relationships. High power is not the commodity it was a few years ago. My clients say, ‘I’ll take time versus large amounts of money.’ People used to come to me and hope Lee Iacocca or Michael Milken were clients. These men are definitely out. The new move is to ethical behavior and shared values.”

Ethics and values, in fact, are becoming so important that she believes “men and women will meet each other in the ‘90s through issues.”

They may also reject each other through issues. One of Hirsch’s clients, an animal-rights activist, phoned the woman he was to meet the night before their arranged date. “He said to her, ‘I might as well tell you right now, if you wear a leather skirt, I’m just going to send you home.’ ”

Which is why the Godmothers’ questionnaire includes such questions as, “What are your concerns about the world now?”

While the concern about AIDS may be a factor in this trend toward settling down, it may not be the only one, romance observers say. “So many people are getting married thinking, ‘If it doesn’t work out, I’ll get a divorce,’ ” O’Harro says. “Things are too easy to get out.”