Gays and Openness

I was delighted to read the commentary by Agnes G. Herman, “ ‘Coming Out,’ A Risk That’s Worth Taking” (March 18).

I am in a kind of reverse situation. I am a gay man of 65. I have always preferred men, but, without support in my youth of such articles, I thought I had to marry and did. That cohabitation lasted for almost 20 years and produced two daughters. One of these daughters lives here in San Diego; the other lives in England with her British husband and my three grandchildren, 17, 11 and 2.

My lover and I are about to take a trip to Spain, stopping off in England for a short five-day visit. Although over the years I have been very open about my orientation--publicly speaking out for the gay community in person and through the three major media. And, though my daughters have been supportive without reservation, I have no idea what my eldest has told her children. Obviously, one of them is too young, but the 11-year-old boy and the 17-year-old girl are not too young to be aware of grandfather’s preference, especially when they are presented with grandfather’s traveling companion and bedmate.

I trust my eldest daughter enough to see what happens. Yet I cannot help but wonder if she has come out in the sense that Mrs. Herman indicates--whether she is openly accepting of her gay father and thus teaching that openness to my grandchildren, and whether those children will be able to see that the man with whom I am traveling is indeed a person I love, romantically and in every way. We’ll find out in May.

There is no question in my mind that the hiding of any kind of fact perceived to be shameful is destructive to the well-being of the hider. Such hiding contributes to the fearsome envisioning of mountains where there is really only a molehill. I speak from experience of 20 years of openness with family, employers and society in general.

C. DAVID HOLLENBECK

San Diego