Morning Sickness, Weight Gain--What’s <i> His</i> Problem?

The other day my husband ate a sandwich for lunch, then a bag of Doritos, topped off with a packet of M&Ms.; By dinner that night, he said it was as if he hadn’t eaten all day.

He cleaned his plate--chicken, broccoli (this man is no George Bush), potatoes and salad--and then there was round two: just a little bit more. For dessert he had chocolate chip ice cream, a few cookies, and later, what the heck, he had some more.

This is not like Richard, not at all. Especially since he’s been into bicycling, which has made for a particularly svelte Spandex silhouette.

Oh, and lately he’s been going to sleep a lot earlier. He tires easily. Only he says he isn’t sure why.

I know why, of course, as wives always do. I’m pregnant, again.

Let me say right here that I do not believe in this we are having a baby stuff.

You’ll notice that it’s the man who usually pipes up with this. But a man can never truly know just what it’s like to feel his body balloon out, beyond his conscious control.

And childbirth! I only wish that women could share the pain. No, scratch that. Labor pains men can have all to themselves.

Still, apparently there is something to this pregnancy empathy business. My husband isn’t the first to feel its pull.

My sister, back in her pre-pregnancy clothes for a couple months, says that her husband gets a tad bent out of shape when friends compliment her, and her alone, on how terrific she looks.

“Charlie still hasn’t lost all his weight,” she explains.

And Dr. Jerrold Shapiro, associate professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University and author of “When Men Are Pregnant,” says that with baby No. 1, he put on 30 pounds and with the second, nearly as much.

“It was hard,” he says. “Hers came right off. Mine hasn’t.”

Shapiro, who interviewed 227 men for his book, says that physical and emotional pregnancy symptoms in expectant fathers are much more common than people think. Weight gain, feeling a bit queasy in the morning, mood swings, lower back pain and a whole host of rational and irrational fears make up the list.

“The fact is this has been around for a great number of years,” Shapiro says. “It’s been documented in many societies. . . . Looking at it realistically in American society, what we are saying, in essence, is that physically only one person is pregnant. She goes through all the hard stuff.

“Emotionally, however, they are both having a baby. . . . I think men are so into the pregnancy in many ways that they unconsciously develop physical symptoms.”

So, in other words, it’s all in his mind. Expectant fathers can get a little cuckoo, nutso in ways they may not expect. To mothers the world over, this, of course, comes as no surprise.

Richard hasn’t gone ‘round the bend yet--he stopped the feeding frenzy once I pointed it out--but I figure he still has time.

Last time around, he insisted on conducting an on-camera interview with me in the hospital labor room--we were in there a long time--and then for a change of pace, he got into bed, moaning and holding his stomach, while I shot the footage.

(For those of you who are wondering: No, the delivery was not filmed.)

All of this, keep in mind, was in Mexico City. Whatever the Mexicans say about crazy gringos, remember it’s all true.

Come September, when this baby’s due, I expect things will be different.

American hospitals are used to having fathers around.

Studies show that in the early ‘60s, only 15% of fathers were in American hospital delivery rooms, as opposed to 85% some 20 years later.

Yet Dr. Shapiro, the expert on these things, cautions that for the menfolk, all is not as rosy as the statistics suggest.

“Another concern that men have is the OB-GYN Establishment,” he says. “That’s where most of the values are conveyed in spades. You’re told you’re welcome, but you’re really not. . . .

“When my wife was being weighed once, three nurses accidentally bumped into me carrying half-filled bedpans and said, ‘ Excuuse me ,’ like Steve Martin does. There was no other place for me to be, but I was obviously not supposed to be there.”

Shapiro’s gotten over it, however. He’s written the book, and I think he’s touched a collective nerve.

OK, all you expectant fathers out there, all together now: Take a deeep breath. Relax, put your feet up. You’ll see, the nine months will go by before you know it.

Then you’ve got, what, an entire lifetime to think about?

Nah, better not think about that just yet.