Wild and Crazy--Within Limits

You say you’re as restless as a willow in a windstorm? You say you’re as jumpy as a puppet government holding an election? You say you want to throw caution to the lions and mix metaphors with oranges? You say you want to run into the boss’ office and jump up on his desk and do the lambada with yo’ mama?

Hey, kids: What time is it? It’s springtime.

Oh season of bliss, oh season of plenty, oh time of longing and hyperbole and reckless prose style.

Yes, it’s time to do something crazy, to break out of the mold. What are we, anyway? Men, women or jiggle Jell-O?

But what to do when the age we live in says “Danger!” on every door and “ Peligro !” on every puerta ? When you’ve got nothin’, you’ve got nothin’ to lose. But what to do when you’ve got something to lose if you blow it badly?

I know a guy who’s been married for 15 years. He said this spring he and his wife decided to shake up their marriage. “We switched sides of the bed,” he told me.

I could commit career suicide. I’ve done that at least two previous springs. But I just don’t think I can face a new career in a fast-food franchise.

Last week, I went wild and crazy. I rode my bike like a crash test dummy. Let the breezes blow through my nice, sensible, business-gal haircut. About one mile out, a woman I know drove by, slammed on her brakes and screamed out the window, “Get a helmet, Kahn! Your brains are all you have left.”

Thanks. I needed that.

Then I decided to make a fashion statement. I bought a Georgia O’Keefe Memorial Bolo Tie, with its steer-skull clasp. I put it on once, and my daughter said, “You’re not going out like that.”

So then I got really rebellious. While making my kids’ school lunches, I really laid down the law. I said, “I’ll only cut your bagels. Spread your own darn cream cheese.”

Somehow, this wasn’t enough. Somehow, this didn’t satisfy my bio-rhythmical clock that says every spring: Do it now.

But what to do?

See, these days I have my rules for what I can do when I go wild and crazy. I want to let go but within the following limits:

1. It can’t harm the planet.

2. It can’t harm another human being.

3. It can’t make animals feel bad.

4. It has to be nonviolent.

5. It can’t increase my risk of premature death from disease.

6. It can’t go over my credit limit.

7. It can’t involve veal.

8. It can’t leave me open to lawsuits.

9. It can’t throw my back out.

10. I have to do it between 8:15 and 3:30, while the kids are gone.

So, hey, baby, let’s get away.

Let’s go on an escapade. Let’s blow this old town and head where the bright lights are calling and the excitement never stops. Let’s put down the top. Let’s forget about our sun block. Let’s not floss. Let’s eat white bread. How crazy can we get?