Cowed by the Complexity of the Environmental Thing : <i> News item: Bovine flatulence generates a significant amount of methane, a greenhouse gas. : </i>

Cows, none too couth to begin with, contaminate. Only the cows can’t help it.

It turns out that all that cud-chewing gives off lots of gas, an average of 400 liters per cow per day, and, environmentally speaking, that stinks.

So this is a serious problem. A ‘90s kind of problem. Cows are not conversant with catalytic converters.

According to reliable sources, this makes cows the world’s third-largest source of methane released into the atmosphere, behind only natural wetlands and rice paddies.

I didn’t know about the paddies or the wetlands either. I’m learning a lot in the afterglow of Earth Day ’90.

Take dolphins. I love dolphins. Before I became environmentally aware, I wanted nothing more than to have a dolphin live in our back yard swimming pool in Miami. I was in the sixth grade. I was selfish.

I know better now, of course. I’m a grown-up, thinking globally. Dolphins don’t do private back-yard swimming pools. They hang out at posh Hawaiian resorts, where tourists pay an hourly rate to frolic with them in man-made lagoons.

But seriously, the slaughter of dolphins in the pursuit of tuna has always weighed heavily upon my environmental conscience. Even when I didn’t know that’s what I had.

Loving dolphins was the perfect excuse for hating tuna, ranking right up there with smelling like old, pulverized fish and tasting like worse.

Things are changing, however.

The three companies that produce 70% of the tuna sold on the U.S. market have agreed to stop using nets that kill dolphins, and, effective immediately, Alpo Petfoods says that its yummy tuna cat food will also be dolphin-safe. Estimates are that tens of thousands of dolphins will be saved each year.

Still, the environmental movement has shown me how intertwined things really are on Planet Earth. So I’d been wondering about what all those dolphins were going to do with their new lease on life.

Then I picked up Newsweek magazine, and I may have found out. Seems the U.S. Navy might be hatching plans to turn them into warmongers.

The Navy “would neither confirm nor deny” that it is arming dolphins with nose cones spring-loaded with .45-caliber bullets as part of a “swimmer nullification” program against enemy frogmen.

But let’s get real here. Dolphins are no dummies. Give those babies weapons and, next thing you know, they’ll be taking their revenge against tuna fishermen, Hawaiian hotel owners and schoolchildren on field trips to Sea World.

Look for gang graffiti on boat hulls. It could be an early warning sign.

What I’m saying here is that if there’s one big lesson from Earth Day ‘90, it’s that everything’s connected. What goes around comes around. In other words, just when you think you might have one problem licked, you find out your so-called solution is giving off toxic wastes.

Gasohol’s another example. For years, grain alcohol in gasoline has been touted as a sure-fire way to help clean up the air we’re breathing. An amendment to the Clean Air Act approved by the Senate mandates its use.

Well, a study’s just been released that concludes that using gasohol would cut carbon monoxide by 25% but that nitrogen oxides, which cause smog and acid rain, would jump as high as 15% and hydrocarbons would double. Net impact: 6% more smog.

The upshot, I suppose, is that being environmentally correct these days is no easy task. It takes stamina and mental acuity, a conclusion that all the public-opinion polls bear out.

When asked, people say they’ll separate their trash, forgo patterned toilet paper and cut a plastic ring to save a sea gull. And the excuses they come up with for not car-pooling! I tell you, it really makes an American proud. Those poll respondents can really think on their toes! They’re definitely sharp.

Not that we Americans don’t deserve to be cut some slack. Most people want to do what’s environmentally sound. And only the extremely environmentally earnest don’t get discouraged about it all now and then.

Lords knows, even I have been known to get a little down in the mouth. Sometimes the complexity of The Issue just gets to be a bit much.

Defiance takes over. At these times, it seems to be in my blood. I want to mow, mulch, fertilize and water turf grass. The urge to fire up the back-yard barbecue, using lots of starter fluid, is strong. Ordering my groceries bagged in double plastic wouldn’t be out of the question during flashes like these.

But then I get ahold of myself. I realize that, deep down, I really do want to be part of the solution.

Only a cynic would say that I didn’t care.