Marriage With Parental Guidance : Studies: A CSUN professor finds modern mothers and fathers are sending their children traditional messages of what to look for in a mate--wealth, education and ethnic similarity.

When it comes to marriage, today’s college women--daughters of the generation that launched the feminist revolution--receive very traditional advice from their mothers: Marry rich and tall, marry our religion and race.

So says Jane Prather, a professor who came to those conclusions after surveying 100 students in her Sociology of Sex Roles class at Cal State Northridge.

Prather said she was surprised by the old-fashioned tone of the messages the young people remembered hearing from their parents, as well as from grandparents, siblings and even peers.

Her research, published in a recent issue of the Mid-American Review of Sociology, found parents made statements such as: “It’s as easy to marry a rich man as it is to marry a poor man,” “Go to college so you can marry a man with an education,” “Marry someone who has a good job so you won’t have to work,” and even “Find a Republican, oriented to the good life.”

A few parents included a first and second choice in their admonishments: “If you’re not going to marry within the religion, then at least marry a doctor.”

“I think maybe it’s because women of that generation--my generation--are disappointed they’ve not made more advances economically--especially divorced or single parents,” Prather said. “They’ve seen how much women have had to struggle.”

Another contributing factor cited by Prather is the influx of students from more traditional immigrant cultures whose mothers may have missed--or ignored--the American feminist movement of the late 1960s and ‘70s.

Rules for the selection of husbands often softened when daughters hit their mid-20s, when they were urged, firmly, to just get married, she said.

It was unusual for women to receive physical descriptions of their ideal mates from parents. The most common involved height--”look for someone taller”--and age: “Someone older would be better established, a better provider.”

By contrast, advice for male students tended to emphasize the physical: “Look for attractive women who also are good cooks and likely to produce grandchildren.” Only one man said he was urged to marry into a wealthy family.

“Marry someone who can cook Italian food,” one student was told. “Can’t you find a good-looking one?” or “Don’t marry anyone fat,” others remembered hearing.

Ironically, advice for both sexes bears little resemblance to the reality of modern society, Prather said, in which more and more married women have to work to support their families rather than being able to depend on their husbands as providers.

“It adds another conflict in marriage, I think,” she said. “And it’s confusing, especially for women.”

The strongest and most hostile parental reaction for either sex concerned race, Prather said. Although religious restrictions generally were recounted by parents over and over again for emphasis, racial biases usually were only recited a few times, but very forcefully.

Students recollected warnings such as: “If you ever bring home a black guy, don’t expect to have this as your home or me as your father,” and “It’s OK to date Orientals, but it’s not OK to marry them.”

Few of the students were upset by the attempts to influence their choice of a mate, and most said they knew it evolved from their parents’ concern for their welfare.

Most also said they were minimally influenced by the advice.

Prather was skeptical.

“When they think they’re making an independent decision, there’s a background,” she said.

“There’s a feeling these days that ‘I can do anything I want to, marry anyone I want. We don’t have arranged marriages here like they do in India.’ What they don’t realize are the values that have been indoctrinated.”

Sometimes blatant, sometimes subtle, the marital information was most likely to be imparted when the daughter or son returned from a date. A litany of questions, such as, “What does he do? Does he go to school?” often greeted the students’ arrival at home, they said.

In the most extreme cases, students said parents would refuse to speak to dates they didn’t like or adjust curfew times depending on their opinion of the date.

More subtle approaches included family legends, with morals such as, “Don’t be like cousin Mabel,” or “Your brother John was really stupid,” she said.

Bribery also was common, Prather said, ranging from fathers offering to pay for dates--or even weddings--with appropriate partners to offers of gifts such as cars or houses. A few students even recalled being told they would be taken out of wills if they did not comply with their parents’ wishes.

Prather, who has two daughters and two stepdaughters, all between the ages of 18 and 23, said she too has been guilty of some parental marital advice.

“I didn’t stress the money or the race or religion,” she said. “But I certainly stressed looking for someone with the same education.”