Countywide : Widows, Widowers Turn to Each Other

“You get a lot of help for drugs and a lot of help for other things, but there’s not a lot of help for grief,” said Ruth Carr, whose husband died almost a year ago.

Carr, 63, looked for help in her hometown of Anaheim. She tried her church and the senior center. Then she read about the widow-widower support group sponsored by the Orange Senior Center, where 10 to 15 men and women gather monthly for advice, comfort and empathy.

Widows and widowers may grieve for years and discover that they can’t always turn to friends for comfort, said Helena Malek, who founded the senior center’s group about five years ago. Malek is also a case manager and counselor for the Feedback Foundation, a nonprofit elderly services organization.

“You can’t depend on friends because friends often feel they have listened enough and they want you to get on with your life,” Malek said. “But the grieving time is necessary and in the group they find people like themselves and they feel comforted.”

In fact, friendships are formed as members call each other between meetings for support. A few have even found a new spouse in the process, Malek said.

Malek uses journal writing and role-playing exercises to help members work out the anger, resentment, and depression that often accompany grief. Mostly, they are encouraged to talk--and sometimes cry.

Members also discuss the legal, financial and social problems that arise when one is suddenly alone. At a recent meeting, 12 women talked about the wrenching experience of selling a home filled with memories to move to a smaller residence.

Carr, one of the group’s newest members, wanted to know how other widows handled smaller but equally difficult issues. Should you remove your wedding ring? Were any of them interested in marrying again? How could they bear to pack up their husband’s belongings?

Gen Mears, 69, told Carr that when her husband died six years ago, she donated his clothes to a senior center rummage sale because “he would have liked that.” Everything except his favorite blue sweater. “When I see that sweater, I see him in it smoking or whatever. . . . It’ll probably be (at my house) forever,” she said.

Many churches and hospitals have bereavement groups, but not all are specifically designed for widows and widowers said Nancy Schneider, supervisor of information services at Senior Citizens Information and Referral, a county agency in Santa Ana. Some groups require pre-registration and many do not meet year-round, Schneider said.

Some organizations serving widows and widowers are:

St. Jude Hospital and Rehabilitation Center’s hospice program, Fullerton, (714) 871-3280; Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, (714) 529-5544; Ss. Simon & Jude Church, Huntington Beach, (714) 962-3333; Great American Bank, Laguna Hills, (714) 586-5100; Hoag Hospital’s “Life Goes On” program, Newport Beach, (714) 645-8600; Oasis Senior Center, Corona del Mar, (714) 644-3244; St.Joseph Hospital’s, “New Beginnings” program, Orange, (714) 771-8243 or 771 8137.