COMMENTARY : Bringing Balance Into the Life of Your ‘Fast-Forward’ Child

Many Americans seem obsessed with activity--cramming as much into each hour as possible. No one leaves home without a date book, which is filled to the brim with activities, luncheons and business meetings.

But what is our hectic, high-tech lifestyle doing to our children?

As we rush along, we also pull them with us, encouraging them to participate in every activity we can possibly squeeze into their and our schedules.

A typical week goes something like this: Jane has Girl Scouts on Monday night, piano lessons on Wednesday and religious instruction Thursday after school. John has an appointment with the orthodontist Monday before school, basketball practice afterward three days, and a game on Saturday. In between, there are homework, science projects and school activities. “Free time” is taken up with Nintendo, television and VCR viewing.

With the increase of double-income homes, we are raising our children to be independent, self-sufficient beings who can survive without us most of the time. Although this has nice aspects, a price is paid. Such children sometimes grow up not respecting others or valuing the thoughtful, appreciative characteristics we do not have the time to demonstrate.

Thank-you notes, saying “please,” and some of the other human niceties are left by the wayside. We don’t have time for those extras. Instead we push for upward mobility, appearances, participation in activities, good grades, winning and money.

Although we would like to think that we encourage our children to display manners and think of other’s needs, many of the activities we emphasize, such as winning in sports and achieving good grades, do not have community service or humanitarian aspects. True, such endeavors do give our kids valuable lessons in team play and peer interaction, but they don’t teach them to help someone besides themselves.

Of course, your family may be different, and you do encourage your children to demonstrate basic human values such as respect for others. Realize, however, that our society has the capability of undermining your efforts as fast as you make them. Our hectic lifestyle takes its toll in many ways in which we may not be aware.

Out of our fast-paced world has come high-tech entertainment. The games our children play require little parental input and often do not even encourage interaction among players. Nintendo, video arcades, VCR home viewing and computer games can all be done solo. Some of these activities are even addictive in nature, much like slot machines in Las Vegas. Children become so engrossed that they often lose all track of time as they attempt to top their own scores.

This is not to say that games like Nintendo don’t have benefits. True, they do encourage hand-eye coordination and dexterity, but our children are missing some wonderful opportunities if Nintendo is their only form of recreation.

A teacher recently told me she planned on going out to play with her children at recess because they don’t seem to know how to play hopscotch, foursquare or marbles. Instead, they wander around aimlessly, unable to create fun from the world around them. Children must be taught to play--to look up at the sky and see animals in the clouds, to whistle through a blade of grass.

So how do we help our children achieve balance between technology and maintenance of human values?

Balance is the operative word here. To fit in today, knowledge of our high-tech world is required. Kids do need to know about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and how to play Tetris or Super Mario Land. Fitting in does not mean obsession, however.

The mother of one of my patients recently complained that her son’s grades went into rapid decline when the family got Nintendo. The problem wasn’t Nintendo, however. The problem was that he was allowed unlimited access to the game and spent hours mesmerized by it. Once he was limited to 30 minutes a day after homework, his grades improved considerably.

Balance also means taking a look at the number of activities in which your child participates. A standard rule of thumb is two nights of activity per week, with perhaps some Saturday involvement.

When children are too busy, they often experience distress. One such “fast-forward” child was in an activity every day after school. She had piano, tutoring, Girl Scouts and religious training. Initially, she seemed to thrive from all of the stimulation, but over the long haul she became tired, had difficulty sleeping and suffered from depression. The demands on her time were too much for her.

Although every child is different, don’t assume that since you can handle a busy schedule, your child can too. If you are divorced and your child is being shuttled between parents, don’t forget to consider the additional stress this causes. Perhaps this should be considered one of his or her two activities for a while.

Structure provides a nice safety net for children. It creates spaces in which they can grow and learn. Once again, balance is important. Your child needs some free time, too. Ensure that such time is well used by providing parameters. Limit Nintendo time and encourage development of some other game skills.

Also, allow your child time to read, think, dream, be. If you value occasional quiet time, your child will also.

We cannot change our entire world, but we can improve our corner of it. By helping our children create balance in their lives, they become well-rounded and self-assured--not overworked and overwrought. Eventually they will bring that inner balance into our outer world.

Give your child time to think about the sky, question why a spider has eight legs or dream of participating in the space program. The results will enrich us all.