A National Meeting of the Minds : Clubs: Mensa convention of brainy Americans to feature talks on nudist camps, brassieres

Are you Mensa material? More than 1,500 American Mensa Ltd. members will congregate today at the Anaheim Marriott Hotel for a national convention. Correctly select which of the following statements are true and you might qualify to join them.

(a) For four days, Anaheim will not only be the happiest place on Earth but also the brainiest.

(b) Mensa would welcome Albert Einstein if he were alive today--provided that he scored in the top 2% of the population on a standardized IQ test.

(c) Some of the country’s most exceptional gray matter will be entertained this weekend by seminars on nudist camps, brassieres, and the pitfalls of over-intellectualizing sex.

(d) Mensa is not an acronym for Mentally Excelling Nerds and Scholars Assn. It is the Latin word for table-- that time-honored center of philosophical discussion.

(e) A Mensa entrance exam will be given Sunday at the convention for those who dream of cracking the group of eggheads.

(f) All of the above.

If you answered “f,” you are on your way to meeting Mensa’s tough requirements.

But don’t get your hopes up.

Next you must answer this question: How many typists will it take to type 18 pages in six minutes if two typists can type two pages in two minutes?

The, ahem, only condition for acceptance in the organization is extraordinary intelligence. Those who have passed muster number about 80,000 worldwide.

Local members have put all their intellectual and physical energies into making this year’s convention--never before held in Orange County--the grandest yet. “I don’t want to jinx anything by saying so, but if this event is as successful in reality as it has been on the drawing board, we have a good chance of hosting the best one ever,” said Steve Pastis, who is in charge of organizing the speakers.

No, the slate does not feature talks that focus only on such pedantic subjects as quantum physics and the theory of relativity. Besides its more earthly topics (forensic science, alternative political parties, alcohol abuse), the itinerary includes a heavy dose of such quintessentially Southern Californian interests as astrology and spirit channeling.

“We want to give the participants who come from other areas of the country a taste of the West Coast,” Pastis said. “Last year the convention was in Atlanta, and a lot of the seminars revolved around the history of the South and that sort of thing. Californians tend to be experimental, so we’ll play off that reputation.”

Good chow, of course, is a top consideration for any well-conceived shindig. Over the past two months, dedicated Mensa members have devoted every spare minute--and every spare inch of freezer space--to the worthy cause of appetizers.

“We’re saving Mensa lots of money by preparing the hors d’oeuvres ourselves rather than hiring a caterer,” said hospitality chairwoman Cookie Bakke. The tireless head chef estimated that she and her clique of faithful aides had stirred, steeped, stuffed and steamed three tons of food--totaling $20,000 in grocery bills.

It appears as if they made the sacrifice more for the camaraderie than for the frugality. On a recent night, a baker’s dozen gathered at Bakke’s Orange home to mass-produce spinach pastries and baklava. Half the volunteer cooks packed into the bustling kitchen, while leftovers took turns breaking for casual conversation.

Mensa chitchat is not your average “How-do-you-like-this-hot-weather?” small talk. A man and woman seemed oblivious to the hubbub around them as they sat in a corner debating organized religion’s role in modern life. Rap sessions about the Libertarian political platform wafted through the living room.

All of which is not to imply that the general tone of the evening was purely serious. Mensa members laugh and joke like the rest of us--just differently.

A recurring observation expressed among members is that they found a group of people who could understand their off-the-wall sense of humor. “What I liked best about Mensa when I joined 10 years ago was that suddenly my jokes were no longer met with blank faces,” said Bob Kegel, a Cypress College business teacher. “Any attempt at being clever is appreciated, even if your joke is a total bomb.”

Irvine resident Alice Volkert noted that members often were the high school nerds. “Here everyone is accepted--and you can use polysyllabic words,” she said.

“When people find this group, it’s like, ‘Gee, I’m finally home,’ ” said Bakke, 42, an insurance consultant.

Even the most fanatical Mensa participants claim that they harbor no arrogance toward those who labor under the handicap of less-than-genius IQs. However, snippets of overheard chatter revealed some intellectual elitism. “My sister is not Mensa material,” one woman casually commented as she layered a pan of baklava.

Indeed, Mensa has its share of “flagrant snobs,” admitted author and “Dead Heat” screenwriter Terry Black.

“I find them to be the most boring people in the group,” said the 35-year-old Costa Mesa resident. Still, he added, “smart people just tend to be more interesting than dumb people.”

Black, who unabashedly confessed that he “set the standards other nerds would judge themselves by” in high school, enlisted in Mensa to meet women. “I have several interesting prospects on the horizon,” he said.

He will be one of the speakers at the convention this weekend. A sampling of others includes:

* Alan Vaughan, a “channeler” who says he can summon the spirit of a 13th-Century Chinese teacher named Li Sung. “I’ve been working with him now for seven years,” said Vaughan, a Los Angeles resident. “He’s learned to speak English better over the years. His primary purpose is to help people connect with their own higher selves.”

* Audrey Wegner, “the bra lady,” who already has proven a hit at previous Mensa events. “I have dancers who bounce up and down and show how a properly fitted bra gives more support than an off-the-rack bra,” said Wegner, director of Cameo Custom-Fitted Bras and Lingerie in Irvine. “It’s an uplifting talk, pun intended. I think that I always draw a crowd because people are curious as to how I can stand up in front of 200 people for 45 minutes talking about bras. And Mensans are interested in the aerodynamics of the bra.”

* Walter Koenig, alias Chekov of the “Star Trek” TV series and movies. “I plan to give a brief talk about ‘Star Trek’ and then let the audience ask questions,” he said. “These Mensa members seem to have a fondness for trivia, so I’ll probably be stymied if they ask me who on the ship was left-handed or something.”

* David Cheek, a resident of Olive Dell Ranch nudist colony near Colton. “I’ve been a nudist for 20 years, weather permitting,” said Cheek, 46, an accountant and Mensa member. “Even if (nudism) is not for them, some of the Mensa members might be interested in finding out: Who are these people, anyway?”

Mensans, concurred program chairman Pastis, are a skeptically open-minded bunch forever seeking less-traveled paths. “They’re receptive to new ideas, but not easily swayed by bad ideas,” he said.