Missed Manners? The Countess of Correctness Can Help

“I’m finding that people are very uncomfortable around me,” the immaculate Melanie Lewis is telling me. But she is not complaining, certainly not whining. Her manner is straight-forward. Her voice projects, shoulders are back, chin is up.

She is, above all else, poised. Like a diva, which she is not, and like an etiquette expert, which she is, thank you.

So I look at this woman, with her red hair perfectly coiffed and a strand of pearls resting against her lace collar, and I nod my head just the slightest bit.

“Oh?” is the look that I give her. Casually, I think. But not too casually. This is important.

“A while ago, I went to a networking group,” Melanie goes on, “and the other women around me, they started whispering among themselves, ‘Now, is this one mine, or is that one mine?’ Well, of course, your bread and butter plate is to your left.”

Naturally.

But some people don’t know that. Or they don’t know that they don’t know. Or they don’t care. Or they’ve never even thought about the question.

So what is the question? you might ask. And you would be perfectly correct in asking that question, because asking an honest question is never impolite. Or is it?

I’ll ask Melanie Lewis. She would know. She calls her business Modern Manners.

“No,” she says. “It is not impolite. But you have to use common sense. It depends upon the situation.”

Of course.

Take french fries, for instance.

That’s what everybody was doing at a Fullerton restaurant where Melanie and I went to do a little etiquette field study the other day. These people were literally taking French fries, in their fingers, sometimes more than one at a time, and scarfing them down.

I ask Melanie if this is permissible. I expect, naturally, that it is not.

But Melanie, who instructs people on the propriety of such things, is not overly concerned about the fries.

“Some things can be overlooked, depending on what kind of a restaurant you are in,” she says.

Oh, all right.

Besides, right now Melanie is concerned with something more important. She sees them, at first out of the corner of her eye, and then, turning, confronts them head on.

Elbows!

“You see that guy over there, with the blond girl?” she asks. “He is eating with his elbow on the table.”

Then Melanie glances at another table.

“Now she’s putting her elbow on the table, so she gets disqualified.”

Melanie is, quite frankly, very disappointed.

She and I had come to this place in hope of finding somebody, anybody, with manners so faultless as to merit a free Modern Manners pin, not to mention the accompanying accolades from Ms. Modern Manners herself, Melanie.

It was not to be. After the first elbow sightings, including innumerable lazy arms resting next to them, several others followed.

“That’s what’s so hard,” Melanie says. “I go out and I always see the negatives. I tell you, my hand itches. I would love to get a notebook and write out a report card for some of these people. D-minus. But you can’t focus on the negative. Plus, you’d probably get punched in the face. I tell my students, ‘Y ou have to set the example.’ ”

And Melanie does. After we leave the restaurant in vain search of the meticulously mannered, Melanie allows another driver to pull in front of her. (The woman does not acknowledge the gesture.)

When we enter another eating establishment, Melanie holds the door for me, a pregnant person. (Thank you, I say.)

When she presents me to someone she knows, the introductions are in the proper order. (The woman’s name is mentioned first.)

Still, Melanie wishes she could show me more. Too bad I wasn’t along six weeks ago, she says, when she and her two daughters were eating at a Mexican restaurant. This was truly a memorable occasion.

“This family came in, three kids and two parents, and they sat in a booth,” Melanie says. “And they were behaving so well. The children were sitting quietly, with their hands folded. It was very hard not to stare. I try not to, but . . .

“So then their food comes and I zero in to see how they eat. That is the test. Well, everyone was impeccable . I was so impressed! I went over and introduced myself and gave them my card and told them that if everyone behaved like they did I would be out of business, but that that would be wonderful. Naturally, they were very embarrassed. . . . I still wish I could find them. I would love to give them a pin.”

Melanie and I drive around some more, trading tales of rudeness and consulting with other observers of etiquette in the field.

Louis Laulhere, owner of La Vie En Rose restaurant in Brea, tells me this:

“Instead of going to a movie, go to a restaurant. You won’t believe what you see. No, no, no. People, they eat and drink at the same time. They rinse their mouth with their drink. It’s really something.”

Melanie shakes her head, appalled. Here we have not only a breach of etiquette but a glaring example of a lack of common sense. Lord knows, you don’t want your food stuck on your glass.

Later Melanie says in a wistful tone that perhaps someday the good examples will outnumber the bad, and wouldn’t that be nice?

“We aren’t going to go to ruin because of this,” she says. “But showing good manners is just a nicer way to live.”

Dianne Klein’s column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Klein by writing to her at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7406.