Search for ‘Secret Self ‘ Adds Up to Bewilderment

My wife is always handing me tests she has torn from magazines with some comment such as, “I thought you might be interested in this.”

I think most tests designed to measure one’s intelligence, domestic adaptability, sex appeal, or whatever, are useless. In the first place, one cheats, since the most desirable answers are obvious.

Recently she gave me one from Family Circle called “Find Your Secret Self.” There were 15 questions, each having five answers which you were to rank in order of your preference.

For example, the first question was “Rate the following fabrics from most appealing to least appealing. (a) silk; (b) cotton; (c) wool; (d) satin; (e) suede.

After answering all 15 questions in that way you were supposed to find your score in five categories: Love/Romance; Intellect/Creativity; Recognition; Adventure/Change; Security.

I answered all the questions, but when I tried to compute my score I was bewildered. The procedure was more complicated than the income tax. Only a compulsive neurotic could have figured it out.

However, I think I can diagnose myself from the way I answered a few questions. One asked whether I’d rather be a foreign correspondent, head of an adoption agency, head of a consumers’ advocacy group, bank president or head librarian. The only ones I’d consider would be foreign correspondent or head librarian. That ranked me high on Adventure/Change and Intellect/Creativity, but low on Love/Romance, Recognition and Security. (I’ll bet foreign correspondents have more love and romance than any of the others.)

A really dumb question asked which of the following paintings I would choose if all were of equal artistic merit: A cottage nestled in a wooded glen with smoke gently curling out of the chimney; a portrait of a medieval prince; a man and woman walking hand in hand along a beach; a colorful, busy city-street scene; wild horses running through the snow.

It seems improbable to me that paintings of such diverse subject matter could be of equal artistic merit, but I chose the colorful, busy city-street scene.

If I read the scoring rules correctly that rates me high on intellect. That’s two questions answered, two high scores on Intellect, one on Adventure. If you score high on Adventure, the article says, “You’re restless and need some surprises in your life. Making even minor changes, such as getting your hair cut or coloring it differently, might help you achieve this.”

One question asks whether I’d rather own a bookstore, a drugstore, a beauty salon, a restaurant or a travel agency. The only ones I’d think of owning would be a bookstore or a travel agency; and the bookstore would have to deal in used books; new bookstores today are like shoe stores: it’s just merchandising.

As you might suspect, by preferring a bookstore I scored high on Intellect again, and by making a travel agency my second choice I scored high on Adventure.

I failed to score high on Intellect and Adventure only on a truly silly question about desserts. Which would I prefer? Flaming cherries jubilee, an unusual, raved-about dessert that is the specialty of the house, an after-dinner liqueur, strawberries and ice cream, apple pie.

If I have to eat dessert, which I rarely do, I would choose the strawberries and ice cream. You know what that shows? Love/Romance. I wonder how they figure that? You know what choice would have indicated Intellect? The after-dinner liqueur. I avoid liqueurs. And of course choosing the specialty of the house would have indicated Adventure/Change. I always avoid the specialty of the house, whether it’s soup, fish or dessert.

The last question asked was which speed you would drive if you were on a state highway with a posted speed limit of 55 m.p.h. and you knew you wouldn’t get a ticket?--45, 50, 55, 60 or 80? I’d probably go 60. My second choice would be 55. Fifty is too slow and 45 is downright dangerous. So my third choice would be 80, provided the highway was that open, which it would most likely not be.

For reasons that are beyond me, my first choice, 60, indicates Intellect. My second choice, 55, indicates Love/Romance; my third choice, 80, indicates Adventure.

I notice that none of my answers indicted that I am high on Security. The article said, “You need to look deeply into yourself to find out what is lacking. Sometimes it means, quite literally, that you feel financially insecure. Are you afraid of losing your job or your spouse? Do you fear for your health or safety, or feel socially insecure?”

What I’m in fear of losing, after taking such tests, is not my job or my spouse, but my sanity.

Maybe I’ll have my hair colored.