The Sellers’ Nerves Also Fray as Homes Go Months Unsold

Buyers locked out of the Southland’s pricey housing market aren’t the only ones under stress: So are thousands of sellers who can’t unload their homes because of the recent downturn in sales.

“It’s gotten to the point where we can’t even sleep at night,” said Darryl Jackson, who has been trying to sell his three-bedroom, two-bath Fountain Valley house for nearly six months.

“I’ll toss and turn for hours, and finally my wife will turn to me and say, ‘Are you thinking about selling the house, too?’ And this goes on, night after night.”

Jackson and his wife, Debbie, are suffering from what some realtors have dubbed the “home sellers’ blues”--a sad litany of frustration, anxiety, desperation and even anger.

It’s a tune that’s being sung by hapless would-be sellers in many parts of Southern California, with backup vocals provided by millions of homeowners in depressed housing markets across the nation.

Sleeplessness. Headaches. Upset stomaches and--as one would-be seller puts it--”a general state of disorientation.” Searching for a buyer in today’s sluggish housing market can be like looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack.

“I think about selling my place all the time,” said Diane Bever, an advertising-sales assistant who has had her four-bedroom home in Whittier on the market for nearly nine months.

“I think about it when I’m at work. I think about it when I’m cooking dinner. I think about it when I go to sleep at night.

“It’s all just sort of hovering there. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.”

Owners who put their homes on the market and then find no buyers feel many of the same emotions as a woman who, after much deliberation, decides to become a prostitute and then finds that no one will pay for her services.

Sound crazy? The analogy comes from Dr. Joyce Brothers, perhaps America’s best-known psychologist.

“It takes a lot of soul-searching to put your home up for sale, just as it would to become a call girl,” Brothers explained. “When you find out that nobody wants your home or that nobody wants your body, you’re going to feel hurt.”

Worse, Brothers said, the psychological pain can feed on itself.

“Your home isn’t just your biggest investment, it’s a reflection of yourself,” she said. “When it doesn’t sell, you start wondering about your taste, your business acumen, your judgment. It hits all the sore points, and pretty soon you’re doubting yourself.”

Too often, the self-doubt and frustration can cause marital problems.

“Frustrated sellers are angry at the world, and they want to place blame on somebody for their problems,” said Irene Goldenberg, a family psychologist and professor at UCLA.

“You can’t take it out on your (potential) buyer, because then you’d never be able to sell your house. So you wind up taking it out on your spouse. After all, the person that’s closest to you is the one that’s easiest to kick.”

While even the strongest of marriages can be tested by a soft resale market, it’s even worse when a couple doesn’t get along when they first put the home up for sale.

“I had one couple that I had to keep physically separated or else they’d come to blows,” remembers Temmy Walker, a veteran realtor and president of James R. Gary Real Estate in Studio City.

“When an offer was made, I’d have them both come down to the office. I’d put one in the conference room and the other in my office, then I’d run from one room to the next to iron out problems.

“They were going through a pretty nasty divorce, but the soft market sure didn’t help matters. I honestly would wake up in the morning and half-expect a headline in the paper: ‘Wife Guns Down Husband,’ or vice-versa.”

One key to psychologically surviving the task of selling in a soft market is to know what you’re getting into in the first place.

“You’ve got to realize that we’re not in the kind of market that we were in a year or two ago,” said Michelle Walman of Century 21/Horizon Properties in Culver City.

“You’re going to have to price your home realistically, and you’re going to have to realize that it could take weeks or months for it to sell. If you expect to sell it the first day you hold an open house, you’re going to make yourself crazy.”

UCLA psychologist Goldenberg has another tip for would-be sellers trying to keep their sanity: Separate the things that you can control from the things that you can’t.

For example, Goldenberg said, a good start is to mentally acknowledge the fact that you can’t dictate how many buyers are shopping in your neighborhood. Then focus on the items that you can influence--like whether the house is clean, the yard is trimmed and the like.

“This will give you a better sense of being in control of your life,” Goldenberg explained. “You’ll function better if you feel like you have some power over your future.”

Barbara and Ed Ross, who’ve had their newly renovated three-bedroom house in North Hollywood on the market for six months, said they’ve kept their sanity by staying in constant contact with their real estate agent.

“He gives us updates once or twice a week on how he’s marketing the property and how many people have seen it,” Barbara Ross said. “If he didn’t let us know what’s going on, we’d go nuts.”

“Nuts” is where Steve Gonzalez says he’s going to go if he can’t sell his four-bedroom house in Lancaster soon.

He put the two-story home on the market a year ago for $199,000, then fired his real estate agent and took down his for-sale sign when he couldn’t get any takers after six months had passed.

Now the home is up for sale again, but for $20,000 less than his original asking price. Gonzalez hopes to make up for the difference by selling the property himself and avoiding the cost of using a realtor.

“I’ve had a few lookers, but no takers,” said Gonzalez, who restores classic cars for a living. “Sure, it’s stressful--I’ve lost a little sleep, and I get a little testy with my girlfriend.

“But hey, look at the bright side: I’ve lost 15 pounds since I put this place up for sale a couple of months ago. Maybe stress isn’t all bad.”