Here’s How This Fall’s Report Cards Will Look

OK, class, it’s time for the fall semester to start.

That’s right, the football season.

There have been a lot of Ds and Fs in the fall around here lately, but this one may be an exception.

Here’s what to expect . . .

The Chargers will be 2-3 in early October, but they will actually be in pretty good shape. Playing Cincinnati, Cleveland, Houston and Pittsburgh on successive weekends is a lot like vacationing in those cities on successive weekends. Not much fun.

Opening in Dallas is like a vacation. This is, to be sure, not the first year the NFL has had byes. Anyone playing the Cowboys last year had one.

Opening in Oregon will not be a vacation for San Diego State. The Ducks’ tie for second in the Pac-10 was one of the best-kept secrets in college football last year. Eugene is a pleasant place to visit, but no place to play.

Dan McGwire will pass for 400 yards against Cal State Long Beach, Wyoming, Utah, New Mexico and UTEP.

The Chargers will be lucky to pass for 300 yards against anybody.

Rancho Buena Vista and Morse, which open the season against each other Friday night, will close the season on the same field when they play for the 3-A championship in December.

Pat Curran will criticize a penalty against the Chargers.

At one point, the Chargers will switch their center to left tackle, their left tackle to right guard, their right guard to left guard, their left guard to right tackle and their right tackle to center.

At one point, the Aztecs will switch their center to left tackle, their left tackle to right guard, their right guard to left guard, their left guard to right tackle and their right tackle to center.

Tommy Booker will run 95 yards for a touchdown against UCLA, but it will be called back.

Neither Billy Joe Tolliver nor Mark Vlasic will start more than two games in a row for the Chargers. A guy can only take so many mandatory eight-counts before he needs a break.

After playing in the Orange Bowl last year and the Rose Bowl this year, the Aztecs need only play in the Sugar Bowl and Cotton Bowl for a Grand Slam of sorts. Of course, they have never been near any of those places on Jan. 1.

The Chargers will not lose on Sunday, Dec. 9. Bet on it.

Didn’t the Chargers used to make two or three Monday night appearances a year?

San Diego State will score 35 points . . . and lose.

The Chargers will give up 14 points . . . and lose.

At least 10 halves will end with the Chargers in possession with timeouts remaining.

Bobby Beathard will win a 10K in the 50-54 age group, also finishing ahead of the 40-44 and 45-49 winners.

San Diego State will announce it has scheduled a home-and-home series with the Dallas Cowboys beginning in 1996. Dallas, meanwhile, will be hoping for an expansion franchise.

The Chargers will disband their cheerleaders when it is discovered three of them posed for Popular Mechanics Magazine.

Pat Curran will defend the play selection when the Chargers call a quarterback sneak on third and 12.

Excluding high schools, the most successful San Diego football team will be USD. Playing for fun rather than for real can be real fun.

Would someone please assure Jerry Coleman that Pio Sagapolutele and Steve Matuszewicz are defensive linemen at SDSU and not an up-and-coming second base combination?

Rod Bernstine will play every offensive position but quarterback for the Chargers, unless, of course, they get to the point where they have to put out a call for volunteers to take that beating.

SDSU and Brigham Young will be on CBS Sept. 22. The telecast will not be scrambled, but the secondaries might. With McGwire and Ty Detmer throwing the football, the combined score will be in the 80s . . . at least.

If all three AFC wild cards don’t come from the Central Division, the Chargers might actually have a chance. But this is a crazy year in which they could finish anywhere from second to last in the West.

Key Charger Game: Dec. 30 at Raiders. Win, and they finish 10-6 and make playoffs.

San Diego State’s bowl hopes may be hopeless. It won’t win the Western Athletic Conference, thus eliminating the Holiday Bowl. Should it have a “bowl quality” record, its chances would hinge entirely on community support as measured by attendance.

Key Aztec Game: Oct. 6 at Wyoming. Win, and they finish 7-4.

Unfortunately, the best game of the year hereabouts won’t happen. The University of Miami will be here Dec. 1. It would be a great game . . . if the Hurricanes were playing the Chargers.

Obviously, students, there will be no As around here this fall . . . but high Cs and Bs are a definite improvement.