Keeping Love Alive Long After the Infatuation Phase Comes to an End

The family--including several generations gathered for a reunion--lingered around the table after dinner, and soon the talk turned to the subject of love.

“How do you know when you’re in love?” someone asked.

The young people were quick to describe the symptoms: heart palpitations, sweaty palms, loss of appetite, insomnia, a feeling of euphoria.

Then they turned to the widowed, 93-year-old matriarch of the family, expecting her to add something sentimental. Instead, she said, “What makes you think I loved your grandfather?”

In her day, people didn’t sit around and talk about love. If you had it, you were lucky; if you didn’t, you made do.

Today, if you don’t have it, you get divorced. Or go to a workshop.

“Can Men and Women Live Happily Ever After? How to Make It Reality in the 1990s” was the title of a recent 90-minute workshop led by husband-wife team David and Sheryl Aronson to help couples find the kind of love that lasts after the heart stops pounding and the appetite returns.

In their practices--David, 39, is a clinical psychologist at Capistrano by the Sea Hospital in Dana Point, and Sheryl, 36, is a marriage and family counselor in Laguna Niguel--they’ve seen many couples falter when their infatuation with each other fades.

The 93-year-old grandmother may have missed out on love, but she was probably lucky she didn’t approach marriage with the kind of expectations people have today. Often, they’re simply setting themselves up for failure, the Aronsons cautioned.

To illustrate their point, they asked the participants at their recent workshop--a mix of couples and singles--to describe their ideal mate. Tracy Kerins, a 20-year-old Saddleback College student, said: “Someone with whom I could express my feelings openly and who would express his feelings with me. Someone who would accept me as I am. We’d have similar interests, and we’d always be doing things together. There wouldn’t be confrontation. I’m a romantic, and I want the relationship to always be special--I want to be on a forever honeymoon.”

Kerins smiles a bit sheepishly as she adds that she now has her first real boyfriend--”and it’s not perfect.”

They have entered what the Aronsons call the “disillusionment phase” of a relationship, when the euphoria of infatuation wears off and people begin to look critically at each other.

This is one of the danger zones on the path to a lasting, “mature love,” the Aronsons said. During the infatuation stage, people tend to be on such a high that they don’t see their prospective partner clearly; they simply assume he or she fits their fantasy and ignore trouble signs.

But that high can’t be sustained forever, and when it ends, some go so far to the other extreme that minor imperfections become glaring inadequacies, David Aronson said. “They may make a premature decision to end the relationship. People think this must be the wrong person or it wouldn’t be happening.”

That may be true in some cases, the Aronsons said, but it is more likely that it’s time to make some trade-offs between fantasy and reality.

“Men and women can live happily ever after in the ‘90s, but there has to be a dedication to approach your relationship in a way you haven’t before,” Sheryl Aronson said. “It doesn’t come naturally. It isn’t easy. You both have to work at it.”

The most important step, she added, is improving communication.

That was the purpose of a workshop “mirroring” exercise in which the participants were paired off and one person repeated what the other said.

“It really helps you understand what your partner is saying,” Sheryl Aronson explained. “Often, we’re so ready to come back with an answer that we’re not even listening.”

The couples at the workshop found it easy to do the talking, but difficult to simply repeat what their partner had said without adding their response.

One man suggested to his wife of 19 years, “On our way to San Francisco over Thanksgiving, let’s rent some equipment and camp out overnight.”

She winced but managed to save this response until it was her turn to talk: “I know that would be fun for you, but it’s not fun for me. When we were in the infatuation stage, the last thing on your mind was camping.”

This part of the workshop was enlightening for another long-married couple who asked not to be named. On their way out, the woman said, “We both felt we were actually hearing each other.”

They were attracted to the workshop because he recently retired and the extra togetherness has brought conflicts to the surface--including a feeling that they haven’t fulfilled each other’s fantasies.

“Three weeks of infatuation, 37 years of disillusionment,” he quipped.

“I took for granted that he wanted the same things out of life that I did,” she said.

“We have different goals,” he added.

The Aronsons said that, with good communication, long-married couples can find ways to restore the excitement and passion of the infatuation stage to their relationship. And singles can increase their chances of having a happy marriage by taking time to get to know each other instead of rushing to the altar when they are still blinded by infatuation.

Bill and Tracy Edwards of Newport Beach, who recently took a five-part workshop offered by the Aronsons, were married four years ago after knowing each other for only seven months.

“It was a very quick romance with lots of wining and dining and traveling,” Tracy Edwards said.

When she got pregnant with the first of their two children shortly after they were married, reality set in--with a thud. They had a lot to learn about each other, and there were surprises that tested their relationship.

They learned, for example, that they had very different ideas about how to discipline their children. And they discovered they approached other major issues from different perspectives, partly because she’s 29 and this is her first marriage and he’s 40 and has been married twice before.

Although they’re happily married, they wish they’d taken more time to talk about such major issues as child rearing, religion, finances and goals. They would have had fewer difficulties adjusting to marriage if they had reached the point in dating where they could “see the spouse-to-be as just another human being and not expect too much and not overuse the rose-colored glasses,” Bill said.

Marti Monroe, a Santa Ana marriage, family and child counselor, has developed a system to help clients become “discriminating daters” so they won’t get carried away by romance and make decisions they might regret later.

She is divorced and dating at 48 and, she said, the system has worked well for her. It is designed to help singles maintain their objectivity at a time when they’re constantly tempted to give in to the demands of hyperactive hormones.

To use her system, she explained, make an extensive list of the qualities you’re looking for in a mate. Then list the activities most likely to tell you whether or not your date measures up.

For example, one of the activities on Monroe’s list is tennis. She knew one date was no match for her when she beat him and “he totally decomposed on the court. I can’t handle anyone who can’t lose at a game without falling apart.”

The most important part of her system, she stressed, is making a commitment to spend a minimum of 30 hours dating a person before having sex. “As long as I don’t get bonded physically, I can stay objective and say, ‘You’re history.’ ”

Until recently, she hadn’t found anyone with whom she wanted to spend more than eight hours. But she’s up to 19 hours with her current boyfriend, the only one who has been told about her rigorous test.

“He’s handling it all so graciously that it’s hard to stay objective,” she said.

Monroe is looking for something better than infatuation; she’s seeking the kind of relationship in which you can “cherish and respect the other and be interested in their growth and well-being and at the same time work on your own growth.”

Now that Bill and Tracy Edwards have overcome their initial difficulties, they’re also learning that love beyond infatuation can be richer than that brief, ecstatic high you get at the start of a relationship.

“We’re starting to appreciate each other as companions and friends,” Tracy said. “Over time, you fall in love in a different way, in a way that’s not a fairy tale.”

Does anyone write love letters anymore? Have you saved some from long ago that are still special to you? Or perhaps you’ve received one recently that you’d like to share. Send your comments to “Relationships,” Orange County View, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include a phone number. Responses will remain anonymous upon request.

Sherry Angel is a regular contributor to Orange County View.