MAKING IT WORK : Keep Lines of Communication Open

Finding out that your spouse is gay is the beginning of a long, difficult journey, says Susan Rodgers, a Walnut Creek therapist who has worked with many spouses of gays. It takes time to decide whether to stay together or split up. And if you stay together, it takes time to restructure the relationship, which may have been based on a Doris Day fantasy that’s hard to give up. Rodgers offers the following tips for couples:

* If you think that your spouse is homosexual, open up communication. Just naming the problem helps make it manageable.

* It often helps to go to a third party, a counselor or minister, for guidance or to join a support group. (For information on an Orange County support group, call (714) 539-3964. Help also is available through Wives of Gay Men, P.O. Box 772, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110-0772.)

* Don’t pull away from each other. The one who’s strongest has the greatest responsibility to keep reaching out.

* Try to stay connected to your spouse’s family. They’re going through their own difficulties, but you need each other’s support.

* Don’t bury your anger--expressing it leads to forgiveness.

* If you stay together, be ready to accept that you’ll each be giving up some of your nature. But if your relationship is strong and satisfying, it can be worth it.