Father Tries to Know Best : Parents Often Aren’t Sure How to Take Charge so Counselor Shows Them

When Betty, Bud or Kathy got into trouble in “Father Knows Best,” you could always count on coolheaded Jim Anderson to resolve the problem with a heart-to-heart talk followed by a hug and some milk and cookies.

If father ever didn’t know best, the kids never found out. And neither did the parents-to-be who watched these cozy family scenes with the conviction that they, too, would have infinite patience and understanding--and all the right answers--when their children strayed from model behavior.

But it’s hard to be Jim Anderson when your teen-ager looks you in the eye and tells you she doesn’t smoke--and you’ve just found a pack of cigarettes in her purse. Dick, a Huntington Beach man who asked to remain anonymous, wasn’t happy with himself when he violated his stepdaughter’s privacy by surreptitiously opening her purse, but the smell of cigarettes in her room was so overpowering and her lies were so persistent that he didn’t know what else to do.

He and his wife, Mary, talked about their frustration in raising a difficult teen-ager at a recent Coastline Community College workshop led by Kenneth Rhea, a Huntington Beach marriage, family and child counselor whose experience as a psychotherapist--and a father--confirms that “Father Knows Best” reruns should be given an MPO rating--for “Mature Parents Only.” Such idyllic views of parenthood should be reserved for those who have been burned enough to know that children do lie (it’s pure luck if the lie is accompanied by a nervous tic that tips you off) and that even parents with the best intentions lose their tempers.

In his workshops on how to discipline children effectively, Rhea tries to help parents see that they weren’t born knowing how to take charge and mold their offspring’s behavior, although they may be guided by some very good instincts. And their children--especially those who are by nature difficult to raise--weren’t born with a drive to make their parents look good.

“Children know how to erode our confidence,” Rhea says. “Sometimes it’s a game with them: ‘Let’s see if I can push them over the edge. . . .’

“At any point in time, we can feel inept and lose all sense of ourselves as being good, well-intended people. Kids can do that to us more than bosses or anyone else. They can really cut us off at the knees.”

But kids are just doing what comes naturally when they challenge their parents’ authority, Rhea says, explaining, “The kids’ job is to push and our job is to push back and set limits.”

The earlier parents start establishing their authority, the better, he stresses.

One of Rhea’s favorite tools for disciplining children of all ages is a brief period of reflection called “time out” that diffuses anger and makes communication easier in the midst of conflict.

When Rhea’s 2-year-old son, Kevin, starts throwing his toys or playing with the lampshades, Rhea says “time out” and the boy goes to a familiar spot near the stairs where they’ll talk about what he’s done wrong.

Sometimes Kevin gets right back into mischief when the talk is over. And that, Rhea says, is when his authority is really being tested. If he didn’t send Kevin back to the stairs immediately after a second infraction, the lack of consistency would let his son know that dad wasn’t in charge.

Using “time out” with toddlers whenever they get out of control can save parents a lot of grief when their children reach their teen years and start testing limits, Rhea says.

“Letting Kevin know now that I’ll do my job and settle him down whenever he exceeds limits will allow me to be more effective later on,” Rhea says. “And when he listens, I feel more confident as a parent.”

Kathy Iacopetti of Huntington Beach feels more confident, too, now that her strong-willed, 11-year-old son, Anthony, is learning to talk about his frustration and anger during “time out” periods instead of hitting or kicking the nearest object.

In counseling with Rhea, Kathy learned that she was making too much out of minor behavior problems. “I wasn’t matching up the punishment with the infraction. I’d get in a rage because he didn’t make his bed, when there should have been a small consequence for that.”

Anthony, who has always had trouble containing his nervous energy, would become so angry he would throw a fit whenever he was asked to help out around the house. But now that he is required to calm down and reflect for five to 10 minutes--and then to talk about his feelings--he is developing self-control that is improving his performance at school as well as at home.

He will now do household chores without even being asked, and he’s much more lighthearted on outings with his parents. Kathy has discovered that her tendency to be too strict created a lot of the tension her son was releasing in violent outbursts.

“I’ve eased up, and it’s made him more relaxed,” she says. “He’s not afraid I’m going to make something out of everything he does.”

By the time children reach Anthony’s age, the value system they will carry through life is usually in place, Rhea said at the Coastline workshop at Golden West College. The turmoil so typical in the rebellious teen years grows out of their search for identity.

“You may not see the sixth-grader for a while--but that’s where their core remains,” he says. “Kids try on new behaviors and personalities. Those that aren’t them get discarded because kids don’t like being jerks.”

As long as their behavior isn’t self-destructive, they eventually will return to the values that made them so delightful before puberty took over. But the limits parents establish are the anchor that keeps children from getting lost as they go through the process of finding themselves.

Mary and Dick have repeatedly tightened the reins on their 13-year-old daughter, Chris, a smart, well-read girl who dresses flamboyantly and has strong opinions about everything from the latest fashions to national politics.

“You have a fine, independent child who knows what she wants in life,” Rhea told Mary and Dick at the workshop. “And you have a problem--it’s going to be hard to manage her.”

Since Chris started hanging out with a group of particularly rebellious youngsters, she’s been caught lying to her parents several times. Both Mary and Dick came to Rhea’s workshop feeling that they had lost control. He reassured them that it isn’t wrong to ground their daughter for lying, to drive her places to make sure she’s going where she said she would be, or to violate her privacy by looking in her purse for cigarettes because high-risk behavior calls for extreme measures.

“She’s going to have to earn your trust back,” Rhea told them.

Children also should have to earn back privileges when they’ve violated the rules, he says. However, Rhea cautions: “You don’t ever want them to feel they’re in so deep that they have nothing to lose.”

Rhea recommends giving teen-agers an opportunity to make a wish list and letting them have their way in some areas so it will be easier for them to accept their parents’ decisions in others.

For instance, Mary and Dick frequently don’t approve of the clothes Chris wears but giving her the freedom to choose her own wardrobe is a harmless way to let her share in the decision-making.

“You need to communicate to the child that you have faith in his or her ability to make decisions,” Rhea says. “It’s helpful to say, ‘These decisions are yours to make; these are ours, and these we’ll make cooperatively. But some decisions are non-negotiable.’ ”

Communication can be improved by holding regular family meetings at which children should be encouraged to express their feelings about their parents’ rules. They should be able to trust that they can speak openly at these meetings without recriminations, Rhea stresses.

The advantage of a family meeting is that talk can occur without the anger that so often inhibits communication during conflicts.

Dick admits that anger often gets in the way of his attempts to talk to Chris.

“The healthy response,” Rhea explains, “is to say, ‘I’m really angry. Let’s cool off and then we’ll talk.’ You can’t resolve conflict when you’re so hot you can’t think.”

There’s nothing wrong with anger, he adds. The important thing is not to express it in a hurtful way--to take that “time out” for yourself, if necessary, so you can give your children the structure and limits they need without stifling their spirit.