When Just Saying ‘No’ Might Not Be Enough : Encouragement, Bonding With Children Could Do the Trick

Your children can probably tell you more than you want to know about how drugs can kill, and they’ve no doubt reassured you that they would “just say no” if someone offered them a chance to get high.

But does that mean that they would have the strength to make the right decision if they were faced with the formidable force of peer pressure in a vulnerable moment?

Not necessarily, cautions Huntington Beach therapist Dorothy Bodenburg. Whether or not they really can say no depends a lot on the kind of relationship they have with their parents, she said during a recent talk on parent-child bonding sponsored by the Fountain Valley School District’s drug abuse prevention program.

The closer and more committed children feel to their families, the better equipped they are to resist behavior that is self-destructive and runs counter to the values with which they’ve been raised, Bodenburg told her mostly female audience.

The marriage, family and child counselor gave parents a glimpse of how the bonding process that starts at birth can be continued long after infancy in ways that may not come as naturally as cuddling and cooing.

“A lot of parents don’t know how to go about doing it because no one has taught them what bonding is,” Bodenburg said.

She suggested that parents give their children opportunities to feel that they are making an important contribution to the family: “How can they feel they belong unless they feel needed, wanted and useful?”

Children may complain about household chores, but having obligations in the home helps them feel the sense of “connectedness” that builds commitment and inner strength, Bodenburg said.

Just putting away their own toys can give young children a sense of importance. Whatever tasks you assign, make sure they are not too difficult. And take the time to teach your children how to perform new chores so they won’t be frustrated. They may have watched you mow the lawn a hundred times, but doing it themselves is another matter.

“You can’t assume anything,” Bodenburg stressed. “You have to check out their skills so you can set them up for success.”

As children take on more obligations, they also should be allowed more of a voice in decisions in which they have a stake.

“When kids have no say in their lives, they feel powerless and become angry and they rebel,” Bodenburg stressed.

Traditions also help build the kind of family ties that give children strength to resist bad influences among their peers. Holiday traditions are important, Bodenburg noted, but so are the daily rituals that bring families together and make children feel loved and accepted.

When she asked the parents in her audience to recall such rituals in their childhood, one woman remembered going for a drive with her family every night after dinner. Another had warm memories of weekly picnics. And many said they felt closest to their families when they were gathered around the table to share a meal.

Those who were raised with such traditions tend to pass them on to their own children. Gary and Christine Conkle of Fountain Valley were among those in Bodenburg’s audience who have already discovered how family bonds can be strengthened by daily rituals.

“It’s so important to be able to count on things when you’re a child because the world can seem pretty uncertain,” Gary Conkle said.

Each day, he and his wife spend an hour of uninterrupted time playing with their children--Adam, 7, and Amanda, 5. And every evening, he spends about 20 minutes reading with them. At bedtime, both parents tuck the children in, and Conkle plays a song for them on his guitar. Then he and his wife return to the living room and wait for the kids to ask for a glass of water--a ritual Adam and Amanda have playfully initiated.

The Conkles also make a habit of giving their children time alone with each parent. Conkle said he likes to take Adam to sporting events and often takes Amanda out on “dates” while his son spends an evening alone with Mom.

Conkle, an engineering project manager at Beckman Instruments in Brea, recently sent his daughter an invitation to a ballet and met her at the door with flowers. Both dressed up for the occasion, which was his way of making her feel special.

“Kids need to feel important, to feel valued, loved and supported,” he said.

His efforts to make his kids feel special have paid off when they’ve needed discipline. Said Conkle: “Because of the time we spend together, the kids understand that they’re a very important part of our lives, so when there’s a problem, they’re more apt to listen and understand that we’re asking them not to do something because we love them. They know we’re doing what’s best for them.”

He believes that his children will be able to resist peer pressure to take drugs when they get older because they won’t want to lose their parents’ approval. “You don’t want to let someone down who loves you and is always there for you,” he said.

The bonding that makes children reluctant to disappoint their parents also gives them the self-confidence to make unpopular decisions at a time when the need to belong is intense. Bodenburg said parents can help their children build confidence by offering lots of positive feedback. But choose your words carefully, she advised.

She said there’s a subtle but significant difference between praise and encouragement. Words of praise such as “You’re such a good boy” or “I’m so proud of you” may not help in the long run because, she said, “they’re judgmental and they turn kids into people-pleasers.”

“It’s saying, ‘If you do something I consider good, you will have the reward of being recognized by me.’ Children come to believe their worth depends on the opinion of others. They’re constantly looking for feedback, and they start relying on that. They feel worthwhile only when they please others instead of internalizing their own sense of accomplishment,” she said.

If they don’t get the positive feedback they need, they may not feel worthy of praise, and that could lead them to destructive behavior that confirms their low self-image, she added.

Encouragement works better, Bodenburg explained, because it focuses on efforts rather than results. “You can use encouragement any time, even after the child has failed.”

Encouragement involves making observations rather than judgments. For example, instead of telling your child how proud you are that he got an A, say something like, “It’s nice to see that you enjoy learning.” Or if your child is having difficulty with his homework, say, “I like the way you’re sticking to this” or “I like the way you tackle a problem.”

Among other key phrases that Bodenburg said help build self-esteem are:

* “Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

* “I have confidence in your judgment.”

* “I like the way you handled that.”

* “I can tell you really worked hard on that.”

* “I’m glad you’re pleased with it.”

You know you’ve instilled self-confidence in your children when they are able to deal with whatever comes up in their lives without feeling overwhelmed and to accept failure as part of the learning process, Bodenburg said.

“By valuing effort, you let your child know he doesn’t have to be perfect. Kids give up when they feel they have to live up to your expectations. It’s overwhelming.”

Living up to Bodenburg’s expectations of how parents should strengthen their bond with their children can be overwhelming for mom and dad, the therapist acknowledged in an interview.

“As they begin bonding with their children, they may realize that they didn’t have enough bonding in their own childhood,” she said. “They need to recognize this loss and allow themselves to grieve so they can heal the wound.”

Then, she said, they will be free to concentrate on helping their children feel the security and confidence they need to trust their best instincts when it’s really time to say no.