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They’ve Bought Everything but the Stanley Cup

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I guess it was when I found out that Bruce McNall and Wayne Gretzky had paid just under half a million clams for a baseball card that I decided to call up the classified department of this newspaper to take out a want ad.

It went something like this:

WANTED: Bruce McNall and Wayne Gretzky to buy my stuff. Attic full of useless junk. Empty beer cans. Old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass albums. Bunch of 25-cent postage stamps. Old sled called Rosebud II in mint condition. Old chocolate mints in mint condition. Everything must go. Best offer. Worth hardly even a quarter million.

So, come on over to my home shopping network. I’m home, you’re shopping. This offer not available in stores.

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I only recently realized that Bruce and Wayne, both of whom are wealthier than Bruce (Batman) Wayne, have made up their minds to buy North America, piece by piece.

They’re buying race horses.

They’re buying football teams.

They’re buying rare trading cards.

I mean, what next?

A movie studio?

Savings and loans?

A piece of Mike Tyson?

What if they buy this newspaper? What if I have to work for these guys? What if everybody in the world ends up working for these guys? What if these guys buy up everything not bolted down?

Bruce and Wayne are on a shopping spree. They remind me of Billy Crystal’s impersonation of Donald Trump strolling through New York: “Got it. Got it. Want it. Want it. Got it. Want it.”

What if McNall turns into Trump West? What if we book rooms at the McNall Plaza? What if we fly the McNall Shuttle? What if there’s a Tour de Bruce bicycle race?

And what’s this Gretzky up to, doing business with his boss? My boss never comes up to me and says: “Mike, let’s buy a race horse.” My boss knows I can’t buy part of a race horse. My boss knows I am part of a race horse.

First, McNall bought rare coins.

I think he has one worth a million dollars that pictures Kevin Costner riding a buffalo. Oh, and he’s supposedly got one of Susan B. Anthony posing in the nude. We’re talking super rare here.

Next, McNall bought the L.A. Kings.

I think he paid Jerry Buss in regular coins. If I recall, McNall bought the whole hockey team with rolls of quarters and dimes. Buss sat on one side of a scale and McNall scooped coins into the other until Buss was lifted off the ground.

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Then, McNall bought Gretzky.

A lot of people forget that Bruce forked over $10 million in cash in the Edmonton deal. Karl Malden begged McNall to use traveler’s checks, but noooo. I mean, the man begged. But McNall made the Edmonton guy put out his palm and counted out: “One million, two million . . . what’s this stupid thousand doing in here? . . . three million, four . . . “

Soon, Gretzky got the fever.

He and McNall got a horse. Maybe a whole herd, for all I know. I know they won the Arlington Million. I know their silks are silver and black. I know the horse has hockey in his blood and is always getting in trouble for fighting with the other horses.

Later, they branched out.

When the Toronto Argonaut football team came up for sale, Bruce and Wayne said: “Want it.” They called up their old Canadian pal, John Candy, who said that he, too, would like to own a Canadian professional football team, supplying further proof of Candy’s status as one of our greatest comedians.

I wish they’d called me. I’d like to own part of the Argonauts. I’d like to own even one Argonaut. I am thinking of calling Dan Aykroyd and any other Canadian I can think of to see if they might want to go in on the Winnipeg Blue Bombers with me. Couldn’t cost more than a couple hundred U.S. bucks and a case of Moosehead.

Last week was the topper.

McNall and Gretzky shelled out something like $450,000 for a baseball card of Honus Wagner. Let me tell you something. If I had $450,000, I wouldn’t pay it for a picture of Mona damned Lisa, much less Honus damned Wagner.

I don’t even know who Honus played for. I couldn’t tell you if Honus was a shortstop or a backstop. If I’d had a Honus Wagner card as a kid, I’d have gladly swapped it for two Choo Choo Colemans and a Twinkie from somebody’s lunch box.

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But what do I know? Last I heard, the Honus card was worth $200,000. Two weeks later, McNall and Gretzky pay more than double that. I think their comment was: “We always wanted to own us a Honus.”

Wait until they find out it’s a counterfeit. Wait until they find out that the photograph isn’t really Honus Wagner. They just paid $450,000 for a baseball card of Homer Wagner, a retired outfielder from the Canadian league.

Doesn’t matter. They can afford it. I hear McNall and Gretzky have now decided to buy Edmonton. I don’t mean the Oilers. I mean Edmonton.

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