MAKING IT WORK : Healing Begins With Examining Childhood

Fear of commitment causes many singles to keep lovers at arm’s length, pushing the satisfaction of a deep, enduring relationship beyond their reach, says Jim Dunham, a marriage, family and child therapist in Santa Ana.

He says men and women often have different reasons for retreating from relationships before they get too serious. Many men, Dunham suggests, are protecting the sense of control and freedom they have learned to identify with masculinity, while women are more likely to be afraid to trust because they’ve been hurt before.

Dunham, who specializes in helping singles develop healthy relationships, offers the following suggestions for those who fear commitment:

* Examine your childhood for reasons you’re reluctant to trust, so you can begin to overcome early influences that may be holding you back.

* Work toward leading a full, satisfying life without a romantic relationship. Then, when the right partner comes along, you’re more likely to recognize what you’ve got and be ready to commit.

* Take time to heal so you won’t carry wounds from past relationships into new ones.

* Don’t rush into sex. If you get close enough to know a person’s values and priorities first, you have a better chance of getting involved with someone to whom you could make a real commitment.