The Cost of Escaping Domestic Violence : Relationships: Fear of treatment in a largely homophobic society may keep lesbian abuse victims from calling for help.

For Joan, the realization that she was a victim of domestic violence dawned after she was treated for cuts suffered when her lesbian lover threw a coffee cup at her.

This was Joan’s second trip to the hospital after her partner’s abuse. The first time she suffered a concussion when she was knocked into a wall.

“I was sitting on a couch in the living room . . . and I thought to myself, ‘I feel almost like a battered woman,’ ” says Joan, who was abused for seven of their eight years together.

Beth was in an abusive relationship for a year. At first, the attacks were verbal; her lesbian partner would start arguments over trivialities, accusing Beth of chewing her breakfast cereal too loudly or walking too heavily. The abuse soon escalated to the point where Beth’s lover was throwing cups at her.

Her partner’s hair-trigger temper made Beth so fearful that, “It got to the point where I was afraid to even walk across the floor if (my partner) was upset about something,” said Beth, who, like Joan, asked that her real name not be used.

When most people think of domestic violence, they picture a man hitting a woman or an adult hitting a child. Rarely do they think of women hitting other women, although domestic abuse experts say it is as likely to occur among lesbians as among heterosexual couples.

But the verdicts in two recent trials--one in Los Angeles--show early signs that battered women are being treated the same, regardless of sexual preference. The cases mark the first time that “battered woman syndrome”--commonly used in cases involving heterosexuals to show the batterer made the victim feel responsible for the violence--was successfully admitted as testimony.

The cases are important, said Deputy City Atty. Angela West, because they show a jury’s willingness “to apply the same standards and analysis to a homosexual relationship as a heterosexual relationship.”

Although domestic violence can occur between same-sex lovers just as it does between heterosexual couples, lesbians face the additional problem of dealing with a largely homophobic society that ignores or minimizes the violence between women, dismissing it as “just two women fighting” or a “cat fight.”

Among gays, lesbian violence destroys what Vallerie Coleman, a Santa Monica psychologist, describes as the notion of a lesbian “utopia.”

“We want to believe . . . that our relationships are different than heterosexual relationships; that there’s equality and there’s nurturing, and that it goes both ways. And a lot of the time that just isn’t the case,” says Coleman, who also works at the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Community Services Center in Hollywood.

In her study of 90 lesbian couples last year, Coleman found that 46% had experienced repeated violent incidents; it is estimated that as many as half of all women are domestic abuse victims at some time in their lives. (Because police and FBI statistics are not broken down by sex, figures for same-sex domestic abuse come mostly from independent studies or doctoral dissertations such as Coleman’s.)

Domestic violence among lesbians is similar to that among heterosexuals in terms of intimidation, and the abuse of power and control, says Coleman. But tactics vary; lesbian batterers often use homophobic or misogynistic abuse: threatening to reveal the victim’s lesbianism, and telling her that she is worthless because she’s a lesbian.

Another tactic, and one that is used by heterosexual batterers, Coleman says, is the shifting of responsibility for the violence to the victim, claiming the incidents would not have occurred if the victim had behaved differently.

“The batterer ends up blaming her partner a lot, saying, ‘I wouldn’t have done this if you hadn’t done such-and-such,’ or ‘I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it. All I did was push you,’ or ‘I was just trying to get you to talk to me.’ ”

Says Joan: “On a daily basis, (my lover) would tell me how insensitive and emotionally inadequate I was . . . how unlovable, how stupid, how uncaring I was. You name it and I bought it.”

Last October, Coleman testified as an expert witness in the trial of a lesbian accused of beating her lover; it was the first successful prosecution in Los Angeles of a case involving lesbians that allowed evidence about “battered woman syndrome.”

Although the victim recanted her account of the incident, the defendant, Sherry Sperling, 25, of Westlake, was convicted of misdemeanor battery, sentenced to three years’ probation and ordered to enroll in a treatment program for batterers.

Prosecutors rely on the syndrome to explain recantation, which occurs in more than half of all domestic violence cases, says Deputy City Atty. West, who prosecuted the Sperling case.

West believes “definitely in the future it’s going to be easier to get (battered woman syndrome) admitted because now we’ve set a precedent.”

The syndrome was successfully used again in February--this time by the defense--when an Idaho jury acquitted a lesbian of stabbing her lover.

Under California law, felony domestic violence charges may be filed only if violence takes place between “members of the opposite sex.” Less serious misdemeanor charges may be filed if domestic abuse occurs between members of the same sex.

It is difficult for domestic abuse victims to summon the courage to escape their relationships and seek help, especially lesbians, who face the possibility that, in seeking assistance, their sexual orientation will be revealed.

Rebecca Redshaw, a volunteer for Sojourn, a Westside center for abused women and their children, says fear of exposure keeps many lesbians from seeking help.

“If a heterosexual woman says that her husband beats her, she may lose some respect and some friends. If a lesbian makes her sexuality known, she can lose her family, her friends, her job and her life.”

Counselors and victims of lesbian domestic violence are eager to dispel the myths surrounding lesbian battery.

Joan says she was bigger and stronger than her batterer, which initially made it more difficult for her to recognize that she was being abused.

Also, victimization was at odds with her character. She was forceful and confident at her factory job, in which she was required to confront and argue with male supervisors, sometimes in physically threatening situations.

“I could stand up for somebody else’s rights at work . . . and yet, at home, I got clobbered,” says Joan, who is in her 40s.

Both Joan and Beth say their lovers drank heavily and were child-abuse victims, common factors in heterosexual domestic violence. Neither woman came from a violent home.

Beth, also in her 40s, says that before her involvement with a batterer, she had often wondered why women stayed in abusive relationships. “Anybody who feels that they’re strong and independent and therefore battering is not going to happen to them, that’s not true. I’ve been a strong, independent person all my life and it still happened to me,” Beth says.

Detective Bettina Youngern, who lectures on domestic violence at the Los Angeles Police Academy, says the law requires police recruits to receive eight hours’ training on domestic violence but there is no focus on same-sex battering.

Youngern encourages her students to treat all victims equally. But experts on domestic violence say the police tend to be homophobic and are less likely to intervene in lesbian battery cases. Victims may also fail to report violence because they believe the police may minimize it.

Says Coleman: “I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about the police not treating (lesbian victims) seriously, and really being abusive themselves in terms of giving the women a hard time. . . . That doesn’t have so much to do with the violence itself, but how our society reacts, and how hard it is for lesbian women who are being battered to get help.”

It’s been a long haul for Beth and Joan to get to the point where they can talk about their pasts.

Joan says when she finally decided to seek help, she went into therapy with her abusive partner but found that raising complaints led to more arguments at home.

After leaving the relationship, Joan discovered that a former lover of her partner also had been beaten.

Beth sought help in a support group, but her abuser never participated in therapy. After the relationship was over, she continued to harass Beth, leaving insulting messages on her answering machine and slandering Beth to mutual acquaintances. It stopped only after the threat of legal action.

Both women say that they are in new, loving relationships with nonviolent partners.

Beth occasionally runs into her ex-lover, and says that they are “polite” to each other.

Says Joan: “When I last checked, my ex-partner was still a very active person in the community, admired by many, many people.”

WHERE TO GO FOR HELP

Counseling

* Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Community Services Center:

(213) 464-7400

* Sojourn Shelter: (213) 392-9896

* Orange County Gay & Lesbian Community Services Center:

(714) 534-0862

* Mariposa Women’s Center: (714) 547-6494

Shelters

* Sojourn Shelter, Los Angeles: (213) 392-9896

* Haven House, San Gabriel Valley: (213) 681-2626

* Wings, West Covina: (818) 967-0658

* Women’s Transitional Living Center, Orange County:

(714) 992-1931