For Some Women, Fear Begins Where Romance Ends

There are women in Orange County who do the simplest things--like going to work, driving in their cars and spending evenings at home--in a state of fear.

Think about that for a minute. Imagine what it would be like to live like that--to not know whether or when someone is going to roust you from your home or follow you home from work. Whether those fears ultimately prove to be unfounded makes no difference. Once someone has stripped you of your sense of personal safety, you’re pretty much laid bare. You don’t live life the way it’s supposed to be lived.

This scenario is almost exclusively a woman’s problem.

It’s a feeling that men don’t experience. In our otherwise vast complex of fears and phobias and hang-ups and head trips, the thought that a former girlfriend or wife might show up to kill us doesn’t make the list.

But it does exist for a cursed group of women, tangled up with men who can’t handle the breakup of a relationship.

What brought this back to the forefront was another gruesome enactment this week. A 27-year-old Santa Ana woman was shot twice in the street outside her house by a former boyfriend, who then killed himself. The woman is fighting for her life.

If this were some aberrant incident, perhaps it would be more digestible to the senses. But it isn’t. Finding other examples is painfully simple.

Here’s a sample just from the last 18 months or so:

* A 19-year-old Huntington Beach woman is followed home from work by an ex-boyfriend who shoots her to death and then tries unsuccessfully to kill himself.

* A jury finds a 32-year-old man guilty of murder in the shooting of a 51-year-old former girlfriend as she sat at a table in a restaurant. After the verdict, the prosecuting attorney said the jury “had a lot of sympathy” for the man because of his obsession.

* A man chases his former wife through a mobile home park before shooting her several times in the head and then killing himself. Acquaintances described him as jealous and insecure.

* A man is accused of shooting his pregnant wife, 29, as she leaves her gynecologist’s office in Huntington Beach.

Even when murder isn’t the final outcome, the threat of violence lingers.

Maxine Rutkowski, who supervises the county’s domestic violence program, said about 200 requests for restraining orders come through the office every month, the overwhelming majority sought by women against estranged husbands or boyfriends. There are doubtless other similar court orders that don’t come through her office, she said.

Why do we do it? What is that connection in the male brain between a shattered love affair and violence?

“Males tend to react more to loss or rejection with violence,” said Martha L. Rogers, a Tustin psychologist who has done a lot of court-appointed forensic psychology. “That is not the usual female reaction. I’m not sure if anybody can tell you why.”

Spurned lovers who kill typically aren’t psychotic or people with previous criminal behavior, Rogers said, but she added that it isn’t uncommon for them to have drinking problems and past histories of solving problems with violent behavior.

“Men historically have tended to think of their woman as a possession and their macho is damaged if a woman doesn’t want them,” Rogers said. But other than some culturally acquired bent toward violence, Rogers said the violent behavior may not be fully understood.

However, there are some commonalities, she said. “What you’ll find, generally, is a dependent male who has a history of poor relationships, who has not done well with relationships. He also may not have done well in other aspects of life, occupational or whatever. Usually, for whatever reason, he really needs to hang on to that relationship. The real risk time is when he feels rejected or if something happens subsequent to a breakup where his self-esteem is further damaged in some other way. . . . It’ll be like they’re unsuccessful in shifting gears to other things, they can’t deal with the loss, and maybe they’ll stew over it for months.”

These men’s ideas of love generally “are more of a possessive, immature and in some cases, morbid kind of jealousy,” Rogers said. “In the face of either overt rejection or anticipated rejection or other wounds to their ego, the homicide may occur. And they often vacillate between homicide and suicide. I’ve had many tell me they were going to kill themselves--and I’ve had some who left suicide notes--then they end up offing the spouse instead of themselves.”

I don’t pretend to understand the female mind, but I’ve talked to many a guy who’s suffered rejection and pain from a failed romance. The misery can be overwhelming.

And I know these murderous reactions are the exceptions to the rule.

But since I probably can’t cut through whatever primal instincts these men may have to kill, let me direct an appeal to the women.

If you suspect you’re in a dangerous relationship, don’t prolong it. Find a professional counselor who can offer some strategies for extricating yourself.

The alternative is a life of fear.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.