MAKING IT WORK : Suggestions on How to Stay Friends With Divorcing Couple

Although it’s more difficult for friends of a divorcing couple to remain close to both partners when a breakup is bitter, it’s still worth a try, says Mickie Shapiro, a Costa Mesa psychotherapist.

Don’t let go too easily, she advises, because the persistence of friends often pays off as emotional wounds heal. She also makes the following suggestions for those who want to avoid taking sides and remain friends with both partners:

* Make it clear that you don’t want either partner putting down his or her ex-spouse in front of you--or pumping you for information about the former spouse’s new life.

* Don’t give advice--even if you’re asked. Tell your friends only they can determine what’s best for themselves.

* Suggest new activities--things you didn’t do together as couples.

* If you are inviting one partner and not the other to an intimate social gathering, call the one you are leaving out and explain why so he or she won’t feel abandoned or betrayed. At the same time, make definite plans to get together some other time.

* Don’t take it personally if your invitations are rejected. People going through the trauma of divorce may become withdrawn because they don’t think they can be good company for others. Reassure them that they don’t have to be the life of the party--and keep asking.