Summer Burnout : Many People Find This a Time of Stress, Not Rest

Kids don’t deserve summer.

Within days after school gets out, they forget they ever had to do homework and they start taking their freedom for granted. They squander it on daytime TV and video games, or sit around complaining that they have nothing to do while their working parents burn with envy.

A lot of parents would love to have a chance to show their children how to meander through a long, lazy summer day, passing the time without doing much of anything and never feeling even a tinge of boredom.

But could we really do that today, so many summers removed from the ones when we were carefree enough to take our freedom for granted? The depth of our nostalgia for bygone summers may be a measure of the stress that comes with the season when it no longer offers us the possibilities of a blank check.

Once our school days are over, the art of summer indolence is quickly forgotten. It eludes us even when we have a chance to practice it because our free time is so limited that we try too hard to make it last.

We’re so determined to make the most of that vacation we’ve been waiting for all year--or to please the house guests whom we allow to monopolize our precious days off--that we’re exhausted when it’s time to go back to work.

Whether we go somewhere or stay home, we eat and spend too much when we’re on vacation and end up feeling fat and anxious instead of fit and refreshed. Then we get crabby around our loved ones and become more susceptible to such seasonal irritations as heat, mosquitoes and tourist traffic.

We add to our misery by spending too much time trying to entertain our kids or signing them up for so many structured activities that getting them from here to there becomes a full-time job.

Or, if our work doesn’t permit us to serve as chauffeurs, we feel guilty that we’re not doing enough and worry that our kids will become vegetables or juvenile delinquents before they’re saved by the bell that signals the start of another school year.

If you find yourself fantasizing about leaving the country or getting rid of your kids for the next two months, it’s time to sit down with your mate, take a deep breath and develop some strategies for relieving the biggest sources of summer stress. The following tips from Orange County therapists should help.

House Guests

The most important thing to remember about house guests--especially when they’re relatives--is that the emotional baggage they arrive with won’t be put away when they’ve unpacked their clothes and settled in for a visit.

“How well it goes depends on how good the relationship is,” says Newport Beach psychotherapist Susan Scott.

Unresolved conflicts between parents and adult children or siblings may resurface during summer stays that are stressful at best because everyone is trying to adjust to the disruption of their normal routine, Scott says.

She suggests minimizing potential problems by planning the stay as thoroughly as possible in advance so there won’t be conflicts over such matters as how the time will be spent or who will pay for what.

And when it comes to the bigger issues that create emotional tension between house guests and their hosts, “maybe this is the time to talk,” Scott says.

Unfortunately, she adds, “you may just have to accept how bad it is and live with it. A lot of people deal with visiting relatives by saying, ‘They’re only going to be here for two weeks; I will endure.’ ”

Bobbi Nesheim, a psychotherapist who practices in Fullerton and San Clemente, suggests setting limits on what you can do for your guests--whether you get along well with them or not.

Those who try to do too much--insisting on paying for everything, preparing all the meals and escorting visitors to every tourist attraction they want to see--often end up feeling exhausted and used.

Let your guests know what you can comfortably do, Nesheim advises. And while they’re in your home, ask for help when you need it.

“People expect others to see their need and offer. If they don’t, it can set up a lot of animosity.”

Even when they’re helpful, house guests are easier to enjoy if you aren’t with them 24 hours a day, Nesheim notes.

“Find ways to give yourself a little freedom, to get out of the milieu of all the visitors invading your space.”

And if all else fails, she adds, consider inviting your friends or loved ones to stay in a setting that provides more freedom and peace of mind for everyone--a nearby motel.

Family Trips

If there are serious problems in your family relationships, don’t expect them to go away just because it’s time to take a vacation together.

Vacation trips enhance strengths and aggravate difficulties in relationships, says Gerry Owen of Owen Family Counseling in Brea.

Unrealistic expectations are often the culprit when families end up feeling like they’ve wasted a vacation marred by the same conflicts that make life difficult at home.

Couples are less likely to be disappointed if they discuss their expectations up front, Owen says.

For example, if you’re planning to bring work along on a trip, make sure your family knows ahead of time.

“The boundary between work and vacation is being blurred,” Owen says. “If someone is a workaholic, they can take their laptop, fax machine and portable phone and work almost as much on vacation as they could elsewhere.”

Tell your family when and how long you plan to work during your trip--and quit when you said you would, Owen stresses.

Summer trips can be a time for families to be at their best, practicing the kind of cooperation and compromise they’d like to bring home, notes Owen’s wife, Linda, who is also a family therapist.

“Take time to sit down and communicate clearly about what you want. Negotiate,” she advises.

Money

No season is more conducive to spontaneous spending than summer, says Victoria Felton-Collins, a certified financial planner in Irvine who has a doctorate in psychology.

It’s easy to lose track of how much you’re spending entertaining the kids while they’re out of school. And it’s hard to resist bringing home souvenirs from trips to reward yourself for the hard work you’ve done all year.

“We give ourselves permission on vacation to do things we wouldn’t normally do, so summer can be a dangerous time financially,” says Felton-Collins.

Couples who indulge in play-now-pay-later vacation splurges often end up fighting over money when the credit card bills come in and they realize their trip cost far more than they had expected.

“That creates tension, especially if one person wanted to go to the beach and the other wanted to go camping in the mountains. The person who didn’t get his or her needs met is likely to blame the other,” says Felton-Collins.

Perhaps next time, it would be better to take two shorter, less expensive trips so both partners get the kind of vacation they want, she suggests.

And if you don’t want to be facing to-the-limit credit card bills when it’s time to start buying gifts for the holidays, prepare a detailed budget for each summer trip--and stick to it, she advises.

Include everything from hotels, transportation and meals to entertainment and such supplies as beach towels and swimsuits--and then add about one-third of the total as a cushion for tax, tips and unanticipated extras.

Felton-Collins says most people resist this kind of planning because they think it will take the fun out of the vacation. But without it, she points out, the fun is quickly forgotten as soon as the credit card bills start coming in.

Children

If your household seems to fall apart during the summer, it’s probably because the boundaries that maintained order during the school year have been blurred, says Sally Feldman, a Fountain Valley psychotherapist.

“We’re used to having boundaries that are very clear to everyone, and suddenly there’s no definition of who is supposed to be where at what time,” she explains. “We all go crazy wondering, ‘Where’s my space?’ and ‘Where’s my time versus everybody else’s?’ ”

Children need a new set of rules and responsibilities to keep their lives in order during the summer. But they also need a taste of freedom, Feldman says.

Many parents go overboard trying to fill up their children’s time instead of allowing them to find their own creative solutions to boredom, she notes.

“There’s a generation of parents right now who feel they’re inadequate if they don’t involve their kids in every activity and experience available,” she says. “The kids are under a lot of pressure to perform, and they may lose out on the spontaneous, easygoing time that can be had in the summer.”

Meanwhile, parents who are used to being home alone during the school day should continue to find time for themselves during the summer, Feldman says.

Hire a baby-sitter to relieve you, or, if the kids are old enough to play on their own, put a sign on the door that says “Mom’s (or Dad’s) time” so you can read or relax for a while without interruptions.

Some parents become stressful because their jobs prevent them from spending as much time with their kids as they’d like during the summer, notes Kenneth Rhea, a Huntington Beach psychotherapist.

He suggests trying to establish a more flexible work schedule while the kids are out of school, planning family activities that they can look forward to and holding regular family meetings to give them a voice in decision making and an outlet for their feelings. Phone calls and notes also help kids feel more connected to parents who are at work, he adds.

He says a lot of parents struggle unnecessarily with guilt, not realizing that they don’t have to be with their kids all the time to make them feel loved and accepted. What’s important is not how much time you spend with them, but whether or not children feel “important in their parents’ lives,” he says.

Whether you’re worrying about not being with your kids enough or wishing you could get away more, you’ll be less harried over the next two months if you prepare for some discomfort.

“Recognize that stress is going to come with summer,” Rhea says. “If we can expect it and make a plan for it, we can survive it.”