Crime, traffic and smog aren’t enough. Now,...

Crime, traffic and smog aren’t enough. Now, L.A. has become the vampire capital of the world.

That’s the census report from Stephen Kaplan, director of the Vampire Research Center in Elmhurst, N.Y., an organization that puts the number of Dracula imitators in the world at about 700.

L.A.’s vampire population has grown to almost two dozen, Kaplan said, because “Southern California is a nicer place to live than most” and “if you’re unusual, you can be more comfortable in L.A.”

His figures are based on interviews and correspondence received at his serious-minded center, which is listed in the World Almanac.

Vampirism, he pointed out, often attracts people who “want to gain vampire characteristics such as charisma, sexuality, dominance and immortality.”

Their other option is the movie profession.

Our personal mention of fighting seemingly immortal cockroaches in college prompted USC alum Karen Denne to recall the mad social whirl of “bug-bombing parties” in her university apartment. The bashes were an attempt to reduce the number of resident roaches, who largely resisted bombing, spraying, microwaving and guillotining.

“Did you know they can live for seven hours without their heads?” Denne asked.

Still, four years of college did yield one unexpected dividend for her: It helped “me overcome my fear of insects.”

Which reminds us: Did you notice in Metro’s best-read column, the monthly list of restaurant closures, that one penalized eatery stood out?

The cafeteria at the elegant Huntington Library in San Marino was shut down for one day in July because of an infestation of vermin.

Book worms, no doubt.

A home-for-sale ad in a San Fernando Valley newspaper crows: “Beaver Cleaver-type neighborhood.”

But, as any fan of the “Leave It to Beaver” TV show could tell you, that’s the same neighborhood where smirking Eddie Haskell lives.

But enough about vampires, vermin and cockroaches. Let’s retreat to a more pastoral time--July 15, 1875--as a Santa Monica official presides over the city’s first land auction:

“The purchaser of this lot . . . will be presented with a deed of land 50 by 150 feet (and) the title to the ocean and the sunset, the hills and the clouds, the breath of the life-giving ozone. . . .”

Oh never mind.

miscelLAny:

Actress Marilyn Monroe, U.S. Chief Justice Earl Warren and costume designer Edith Head were natives of L.A. as are ex-Arizona Gov. Bruce Babbit, astronaut Sally Ride, Hall of Fame baseball player Bobby Doerr and Jack Kemp, President Bush’s secretary of Housing and Urban Development.