Order in the Court? Strange Tales of...

Order in the Court? Strange Tales of Lawyers and Litigation

Your court system at work.

* A lawyer from Vista is suing the federal government for allegedly using electronic surveillance to steal his innovative theory of relativity.

Lawrence Kenneth Kirk, 49, a lawyer and “amateur theorist,” wants $20 million. And an order stopping the CIA from using “intense microwave probes” to bug his home, person and office.

He says his theory will make the world forget about Einstein.

He says the government probably learned about his theory after he talked about it to his mother’s husband, a Marine officer:

“I know the truth about an awful lot of the (stuff) that’s been going on in this country. I’m an obvious target for surveillance.”

* Let’s get litigious.

A San Diego lawyer is suing Olivia Newton-John over the bankruptcy of her clothing venture Koala Blue, claiming the singer shafted local investors.

* In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., Patricia Latham, 59, was sentenced last week to a year in prison for insurance fraud.

She had collected $15,000 for a fall at a bowling alley that she said had left her unable to use her arms.

Then she was secretly filmed using her arms just fine during a trip to Disney World.

She’s the same woman who, under a phony name, sued a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in San Diego for a fall that she said had left her unable to use her arms.

In March, when the same Disney World film was shown by defense attorneys to a San Diego jury, Latham bolted out of the courtroom and did not return.

The Florida judge took no such chances: he ordered her taken immediately to jail.

* From locker room to courtroom.

A San Diego businessman who likes to tell people he played professional sports may be in for a shock.

A contrary litigant, researching his background for a lawsuit, found that, yes, he had a tryout, but, no, he never made the team.

The revelation may come out in court as a “character” issue about truthfulness.

Readers Aren’t Hip to ‘Himp’

Short shots.

* Is San Diego losing its sense of humor or what?

The Reader, a local weekly publication, did a mock-National Enquirer story last week about the San Diego Zoo hoping to add a rare “himp” (a human-chimpanzee hybrid).

Believe it or not: The gag brought angry calls to the zoo from Reader readers who thought the story and the himp were real.

One woman faxed her outrage to television and newspaper reporters, saying she never again would visit the zoo.

* Mr. Butts makes music.

“Doonesbury” cartoonist Garry Trudeau has been fuming at the links between the American military and the tobacco industry.

He wouldn’t like what’s going on at Camp Pendleton today: the Marlboro Music Military Tour, starring the Doobie Brothers and Joe Walsh.

* So he won’t fade away.

San Diego management consultant David Valley has begun a campaign to have a memorial erected to Gen. Douglas MacArthur in Japan.

Valley, 60, was an Army corporal assigned to MacArthur’s staff during the occupation.

Now he’s a member of the MacArthur Honor Guard Assn., an alumni group.

* Class consciousness.

The Daily Aztec, the student newspaper at San Diego State University, is hustling ads from rival colleges.

The colleges are eager to advertise their educational wares to SDSU students who can’t get the classes they need on their home campus.

* Vanity plate on a beat-up Ford Pinto: “NO TASTE.”

* Of course, right there next to “La Strada.”

Joan Taylor, editor of The Times’ North County Focus section, says she and her 9-year-old daughter, Helen, went to a video store in University City to rent the 1959 Disney classic “The Shaggy Dog.”

The 20ish clerk was nonplussed:

“Is that a foreign film?”

* North County bumper sticker: “Meat Is Dead.”

I certainly hope so.