It’s a rare man who knows when...

It’s a rare man who knows when he’s licked. Which is why we’ve locked Phil in our attic. We haven’t decided what to do with him, but we do like knowing his whereabouts.

His crimes?

Contemptuous of others. Moody. Irresponsible. Undependable.

Phil calls himself a contractor.

He was hired four months ago. Since then, he’s taken more time off from the job than a Frenchman in August. Hasn’t returned any of our phone calls. Failed to show when he said he would.

“A minor job,” he told us at first.

By the way, say hello, Phil.

Can’t print that, Phil.

Why did we hire him in the first place?

Ask our wife.

“I like the cut of his jib,” she said when he first came calling.

Now Phil’s sails have been trimmed.

Our wife doesn’t know he’s up here. She just chalked up his disappearance to “just being Phil.”

Time for your breakfast, Phil.

Make that brunch, Phil.

After we get back from the West Hollywood Presbyterian Church, which is holding a quilt workshop for individuals who want to construct a panel in memory of a loved one or friend. It begins at 9 a.m. today. Ends at noon. If you need us, call the church at (213) 874-6646.

We’ll get back to you. We swear.

Hey, Phil, if you’re around next Saturday (and you will be), maybe you’d like to join us when the UCLA Film and Television Archive and the Associazione Fondo Pier Paolo Pasolini present a tribute to the Italian filmmaker in “Pier Paolo Pasolini: The Eyes of a Poet.” It’s at 10 a.m. and it’s free. Call (213) 206-5388.

You oughta study this guy, Phil. Especially the part that says “The End.” Apply it to your own work methods.

Now if you promise to close up that hole in our roof some day (the one that let in the family of squirrels?) we just might take you to “Women in Crime Writing,” featuring the Los Angeles Times’ own Charles Champlin. It’s being held at the Beverly Hills Library, 444 N. Rexford Drive, at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday. There’s a $5 donation. Call (213) 479-8974.

OK, time for our 33rd rendition of “If I Had a Hammer.”

This ain’t getting to you, is it, Phil?

You know what bugs us, though?

Ocean pollution.

The American Oceans Campaign is sponsoring “Shave and a Clean Sea, Two Bits,” an old-fashioned shave to benefit cleanup efforts. It’s being held at Erewhon Natural Foods Market, 7660 Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Saturday. There’s a 25-cent donation. Call (800) 626-6652.

We’ve changed our mind.

You’re a free man.

On Tuesday.

As soon as we get back from “In Search of Gifted or Talented Students and Other Intelligent Life Forms.” Sheila Smith of the Los Angeles Unified School District will speak at the Brentwood Science Magnet School, 740 Gretna Green Way, at 7 p.m. Admission is free. Call (213) 271-6547.

That’s Tuesday, Phil.

We promise.

Trust us.