MAKING IT WORK : Key Is Sharing Fears, Successes

When one partner in a relationship develops new skills or goes through a period of personal growth, it’s natural for the other to feel a mix of pride and fear, says Zena Polly, an Irvine psychologist.

If your spouse is experiencing an intellectual, emotional--or even spiritual--growth spurt and you’re afraid of being left behind, you may need to take steps to keep your relationship in balance, Polly observes. She offers the following suggestions to help couples see individual growth not as a threat but as a way of revitalizing their relationship:

* Share your ambivalent feelings about change with your partner. Good communication will help prevent you from drifting apart while your mate is moving in a new direction.

* If you’re disturbed by your partner’s growth, perhaps that’s because you’ve been stagnating. This is a good time to set some goals for yourself and work on developing your own strengths.

* Discuss your goals with your partner, and don’t try to compete. If you’re both open and supportive, your relationship will be able to accommodate different paths of self-discovery.

* Aim for a relationship that frees you both to become well-rounded individuals, self-assured enough to celebrate each other’s growth. Couples who see themselves as whole only when they’re together develop a mutual dependency that makes change threatening.