She’s quite a kidder. Any minute now...

She’s quite a kidder. Any minute now we expect her to call this whole thing off, to tell us it was all just a big joke. Quite a sick joke, we must admit. And we tell her so.

“This is quite a sick joke,” we say.

Not that we would deny anyone their fun. But hasn’t this gone far enough?

She ignores us.

Plunk.

Another brick goes into place.

Look how she deftly wields that trowel. Amazing. Where did she learn that?

Wasn’t this in some story we had read back in seventh grade? Who wrote that? Hawthorne? Poe. It was Poe. What was the name of that . . .?

“ ‘The Cask of Amontillado,’ ” she says.

“Thanks,” we say.

“Don’t mention it. Can you hold this?”

What’s this? A plumb line? A plumb line!

“No sense doing a sloppy job,” she says.

“Just tell us why you want to wall us in,” we ask.

“You’re a deadbeat,” she says.

“Is that a crime?” we ask. “That’s not a crime, is it? Oh, why are you doing this? “

Knock off the whining, she says.

We let out a small whimper.

“You’ve sucked all the joy out of life, you know that,” she says. “All those years of sniveling and crying and feeling sorry for yourself. Well, now you’ve got something to really feel sorry about.”

This is too much. We’re groggy. She spiked our orange juice.

“And I just couldn’t-- could not --listen to another verse of you singing ‘Secret Agent Man,’ ” she says. “So, when you started in this morning in the shower . . . well, that put me right over the edge.”

“You spiked our juice!” we cry.

“Guilty,” she says, and laughs.

Plunk.

We say: “But sugarcup . . . honeybunch . . . sweetcakes, what ever will you do without us?”

And this-- this sends her into a spasm of laughter.

“Where do I begin?” she says. “First on the agenda, I’ll stop off at therapist Evelyn Goodman’s discussion on stress management strategies at 7:30 p.m. Tuesday at the Santa Monica Main Library, 1343 6th St. Admission is free. Call (310) 391-3853.

“This has been, after all, a very stressful morning.”

“I’m not doing this for selfish reasons,” she assures us. “No. Fact is, the Santa Monica-Malibu Meals on Wheels is looking for volunteers to deliver meals to the ill, elderly and the homebound. I plan on answering the call by simpling dialing (310) 394-5133.”

“Next up is the West Los Angeles Sports Auction and Card Show, featuring numerous sports items. It’s being held at Gersten Pavilion, Loyola Marymount University in Westchester, from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday. Admission is $2. Call (310) 338-2728.”

“But you hate sports,” we say.

“Oh, I’m not going to buy,” she says. “I’m gonna unload your Mickey Mantle card and get a Cusinart with the money.”

“And some skis,” she adds. “After seeing Warren Miller’s film ‘Born To Ski’ at 8 p.m. Friday and Saturday at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium, I’ll be raring to go. Admission is $10.50.

“You never did want to ski,” she says matter-of-factly.

“Oh, death, where is thy sting!” we say.

“Very poignant,” she says. “Profound. You’re showing me a side I’ve never seen before. You just might have enjoyed the Beverly Hills High School production of ‘Hamlet,’ running Thursday through Sunday nights at 7. Admission is $6 adults, $5 students. Call (310) 201-0884.”

“But that,” she adds finally, “is all wet cement under the bridge.”

Plunk.