Gay Man Finds Support in Straight World

It was the letter from his dentist, Dave Hoen says, that probably meant the most.

“I read the very well-written L.A. Times article about you and was filled with two very different emotions,” the letter began.

This is the part where Dave thought, “Uh-oh.” And then he read on.

“The first was a strong feeling of sadness at the pain you have suffered,” the letter said. “The second was a wonderful sense of pride because I know you.

“George Bernard Shaw once said that ‘some men see things as they are and ask why. I dream of things that never were and ask why not.’ Keep dreaming and working for a better time and a better world. You are very courageous. BRAVO! BRAVO!”

Dave Hoen, who “came out” as a gay man in this column last month, was more than surprised by his dentist’s response. He was touched, relieved and thrilled.

“I guess his response meant so much to me because I had thought about all this doctor-patient stuff going around,” Dave says. “I was concerned that he would read this and be afraid of me. I guess I thought that because I’m gay, he would think that I would be exposing him to HIV.”

The column I wrote about Dave Hoen, a 41-year-old computer engineer and father of two, never mentioned his HIV status. He is negative, but that is beside the point. For many people, the fear of AIDS makes discriminating against gays just that much easier.

Except something surprising happened to Dave Hoen after his story, and his picture, appeared in The Times.

The response to his public stepping out has been overwhelmingly good.

With few exceptions, people have come to Dave Hoen with words of encouragement, with tears of gratitude, with thumbs up and with genuine smiles. There have been too many phone calls to count; the letters are stacked in piles.

There hasn’t yet been time to respond to them all.

Dave Hoen has shown all these people--strangers, acquaintances, co-workers and friends--that he is just a normal guy, probably a lot like others they know. And these people have shown Dave something as well.

It really is only a minority of people who hate others simply because of who they love. Even if it is a minority with a very big mouth and, sometimes, more than a mere threat behind their words.

“On the Monday after the article appeared, I was real nervous,” Dave says. “I didn’t know what kind of reaction there would be at work. I remember wondering who was looking at me, wondering if there were going to be any nasty messages or phone calls when I got in. I felt like I was walking in there with no clothes on.”

What Dave found, instead, were messages from strangers mostly, and from friends. They told him he was brave, that he had done the right thing, that they were with him all the way.

“Hi Dave,” one computer message read. “I’m not really sure if I should say anything to you or not, especially since we don’t even know each other. (But) I figure you will definitely hear from the bigots and the holier-than-thou types, and so you ought to hear from your supporters too.

“What you did took guts, man! Good luck.”

One company vice president, active in the Mormon Church, stopped by Dave’s office to say that he had read the column too. Dave was excommunicated from the church after leaving his wife when he came to the realization that he was gay.

“Nice picture,” were the vice president’s first words. Then he said he wanted Dave to know that his sexual orientation was not an issue on the job, even if it wasn’t something that he could understand himself.

He said he’d like to talk more about it later on.

“It’s been really positive,” Dave says. “I suspect there are very few people at work who haven’t heard about what I did.”

Dave’s ex-wife, who lives in Utah, says that she read the column to the couple’s children, a son who is 12 and a daughter, 9. They already knew that their father is gay, although it was not something that was often discussed.

“I guess the whole aspect of being gay is weird to them,” Dave says. “I don’t know if they understand it. At that age, anything that has to do with sex is really weird.”

Dave’s son mentioned to him that he’d like his father to come to Utah to spend some more time.

“There seems to be no difference (with the kids),” Dave says. “I think that no matter what they know, I’m their dad and I love them and they love me.”

I too, received lots of mail, and calls, about Dave Hoen’s coming out. There were a few bigots, some expressions of hate and one guy who told me my column “is not even good for bird cage liner.”

These were exceptions, however. By far, most of the response has been good.

“You know, Monday I was really nervous because I didn’t know what to except,” Dave Hoen says. “But Tuesday, when I came in to work--I don’t really know how to describe it--but I just felt so alive, like I was just floating almost and everything was just perfect. Even the weather.

“I remember walking between the buildings outside and thinking, ‘All these people at work know that I am gay and I don’t have to hide anything anymore.’ I’m not ashamed of myself and I like myself. If people have a problem with that, I know it is their problem.

“I know I’m a good person.”