A Labor of Love : Irvine Couple Start Newsletter Dedicated to Helping Others Stay Together
Faith and Danny Boyle had a feeling of invincibility when they exchanged wedding vows after dating--mostly in secret--all through high school.
Faith is Jewish and Danny is Catholic, and their devout parents were so adamantly against their union that they tried many times to stop them from seeing each other.
By the time Faith and Danny Boyle quietly tied the knot in a civil ceremony that her parents refused to attend and his witnessed grudgingly, they felt their love was so strong that there could be nothing but harmony and happiness ahead.
But that was when both were 20, and nothing seemed to matter but love. Today, 14 years and several marriage counselors later, the Boyles are a lot more realistic about what it takes to maintain a monogamous, till-death-do-us-part relationship.
They’ve had to overcome a lot of discord to find the harmony they had expected to come automatically. And most of their difficulties have had nothing to do with their parents, who gradually accepted their interfaith marriage once it was too late to prevent.
Now, the older and wiser Boyles, who have survived conflicts that might have driven less committed couples apart, would like to encourage others to work as hard at marriage as they have.
The Irvine couple recently started publishing a newsletter dedicated to helping couples remain committed to each other in spite of the Divorce Age, let’s-call-it-quits mentality that makes it difficult for anyone to believe in long-term love.
The Boyles, who left their hometown in New Jersey early in their marriage to build new roots on the West Coast, say they’ve seen too many friends and relatives lose sight of their love during troubled times and give up on marriage too easily.
“It’s so tempting, when things are difficult, to think that there has to be someone out there you wouldn’t be having this problem with,” Faith says. “There is--but you’d be having another problem with that person.”
The six-page, bimonthly publication called “To Us: A Newsletter for Committed Couples” covers such basics as understanding the stages of love, increasing intimacy, fighting fairly and communicating effectively.
The Boyles, who still celebrate the anniversary of their first date, include a column in each issue called “Romantic Notions: Ideas for Inspiring Romance and Passion,” which offers such tips as:
* “Sleep under the stars. You don’t have to go any farther than your own back yard to enjoy an exotic outdoor adventure. Pitch a tent, roll out the sleeping bags, pack some wine, cheese, bread and fruit into a cooler, add some candlelight, and enjoy! For added ambience, pick up a tape of nature sounds to listen to as you read to each other from a book of poetry or erotica.”
* “Write a love letter to your spouse, telling him/her about some of the special things he/she has done lately to make you feel like you’re the luckiest man/woman in the world.”
* “Share a secret with one another . . . a thought, a fear, a feeling, a desire or an experience--positive or negative. Be sure to do this when you’ve set aside some quiet time, when both partners are feeling relaxed and undistracted.”
The newsletter also includes a regular column of news briefs about relationships under the heading “Did You Know That . . . “ Items tend to be blatantly pro-marriage. For example, one issue pointed out that, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, “people who remain married get sick less often, sustain fewer injuries and live longer than those who divorce.”
The tone throughout the newsletter--a combination of excerpts from books and periodicals and original articles based on interviews with experts--is upbeat.
Says Faith: “The world is full of people wanting to talk about how miserable marriage is. We got tired of that and wanted to do something about celebrating commitment and love. We’d like to see more people focus on how good marriage is.”
Although the Boyles started the newsletter as a business venture and hope it eventually will produce a healthy income, it’s still a labor of love. Faith does the research and writing, working out of her home office, and Danny, who has a full-time job as a computer systems specialist, helps with the marketing in his spare time.
So far, the Boyles, who have no children but see the newsletter as a way to keep their work close to home when they do start a family, have dipped into their savings account to produce three issues. Each has been mailed to about 2,000 potential subscribers, including a number of family therapists whom they hope will share the publication with clients. (Subscriptions are $24 for six issues. For information, write Innovations Unlimited, 5405 Alton Parkway, Suite 5-A344, Irvine, Calif. 92714.)
Faith, who worked as a free-lance writer before starting the newsletter, says she now has about 100 paid subscribers. Although the newsletter originally was intended primarily for couples well past the honeymoon stage, the Boyles say their initial advertising has generated interest from a number of newlyweds.
That may be because so many young people today come from broken homes and approach matrimony determined to avoid their parents’ mistakes, Faith speculates. “There’s a lot of uncertainty about whether marriage can really last,” she says.
It can, the Boyles firmly believe. That is, if couples are able to let go of the fairy-tale expectations that set them up for disappointment when romance is diluted by the realities of married life.
It’s easier for couples to keep problems in perspective when they remember that they’re not the only ones having difficulties, Danny notes. In a letter to readers, Faith writes: “During the course of our 19-year romance . . . we often found ourselves wondering, ‘Is this normal? Do other couples go through this sort of thing?’ ”
Faith hopes the problems addressed in her newsletter will be reassuringly familiar to readers, and she believes many couples need little more than some gentle reminders and practical tips to make significant changes in their relationship.
However, the Boyles are strong advocates of marriage counseling for those with more serious problems. They admit that they sought help from marriage counselors several times over the past 14 years when they faced conflicts over basic issues, including sex and money.
The way they resolved their sexual differences is an example of how they’ve learned to work at what they once thought would come naturally.
Faith sums up the conflict: “I was on the prudish side, and Danny was ready to be more experimental. I had been sheltered from everything, and I was afraid of everything.”
Through counseling, Faith learned that it was OK to say no to anything that made her uncomfortable. “Once I felt I had the freedom to say no and I saw that Danny still loved me, it became easier to say yes.”
Meanwhile, Danny, who thought sexual desire never waned in a good marriage, learned that he needed to love Faith the way she was instead of trying to get her to fit his fantasy image of the perfect wife.
“Once I accepted that, it eliminated a lot of turmoil,” he says.
“We’ve grown a lot,” Faith adds. “Danny is still more adventurous and always will be, but I feel much more confident and free to experiment.”
They managed to reach a middle ground where sex could be more satisfying for both because they were committed enough to each other to keep trying until they found an answer, the Boyles note. And that’s what they hope their newsletter will motivate others to do.
“People have put their relationship at the bottom of their to-do list,” Danny says. “But if you believe in it, work hard and feel it’s worth it, it will continually improve.”