A Railroad Named Political Correctness

The cover article in Calendar on “PC--Politically Correct” (Dec. 29) got me to thinking about what would happen if Tennessee Williams tried to write “The Glass Menagerie” in today’s politically charged arts atmosphere.

I don’t think the following--headlined “New Play by T. Williams About Ready to Open”--would be too far off base:

Noted playwright Tennessee Williams is pleased to announce that nearly two years after its completion, his play with the working title “Glass Menagerie” is about ready to open. Williams, who was “outed” in last month’s Out magazine, thinks he finally has a version of the play that will please just about everyone.

“After making concessions on every page, except 23 and 51, it seems like it will open without any of the previously threatened protests,” Williams said in a statement issued from an unstated location. Williams has gone into seclusion due to repeated death threats over this play.

GLAADVFO (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Different Views From Ours) finally dropped its disruption of tonight’s opening when Williams agreed to have Tom and the Gentleman Caller walk off stage hand in hand at the end of the play. “Everybody knew Tom was gay anyway and this will give the public a positive image of gays they might not have ever gotten anywhere else,” said Joe Ellen Smith, spokesperson for GLAADVFO.

Williams has also agreed to consider writing a sequel where Tom and Jim purchase a co-op on the upper East Side and together adopt a Romanian baby girl with AIDS.

The National Limpers Project was instrumental in persuading Williams to change the dialogue between Laura and Amanda when Laura bemoans, “I’m crippled!” Amanda responds: “Nonsense! Why, you’re not crippled, you just have a little defect--hardly noticeable even! When people have some slight disadvantage like that, they cultivate other things to make up for it--develop charm, and vivacity, and-- charm! One thing your father had plenty of--was charm!”

Instead, Amanda now responds: “Nonsense! You are only slightly less able-bodied than the next person. Your physical imperfection is an added element to your personality and you needn’t try to make up for it by being more charming or vivacious. You are OK just the way you are. After all, your father had lots of charm and look where that got him!”

This final sentence was later modified when the Preserve the Family at All Costs group demanded the father be on an extended business trip instead of him skipping out on the family as originally written.

“If the father is not to be seen on the stage, we feel it is important to realize that he will soon return and the family will be back to normal. . . . One big happy nuclear family that all plays and movies should portray,” stated president John Johnson. The final version of the line reads: “Your charming father, oh how I love and miss him, will be home soon. I’ll bet you just can’t wait, Laura!”

The National Assn. to Portray Women as Snarling Masculine Beasts did massive rewrites of the character Amanda. “Yes, she is snarling but her whole focus is on how important it is for Laura to find a man. We helped Tennessee see that Amanda should instead be encouraging Laura to be an independent and strong woman, not one dependent upon the kindness of strangers.” (Oops, wrong play.)

In a concession to the animal rights group Defender of Mammals, Fishes and Fowls, the glass unicorn was changed in Scene 7 to a glass wild horse to “draw attention to the plight of these magnificent animals.” This change was later contested by Western ranchers, the Fund to Maintain the West as It Was in 1875, who claim the horses are a nuisance. They suggested the mighty beef cattle should be portrayed in all its majesty.

The Save the Laboratory Rats league wanted the glass animal changed to a rat writhing in agony at the hand of a maniacal scientist. When the National Assn. for Genetic Manipulation heard of this change, they demanded that a mutant mouse--created to be genetically superior to the average white mouse--be portrayed. They also suggested it be the same kind of mouse that was used in experiments that may eventually cure Laura’s limp.

The final draft of the play contains no mention of glass animals.

Williams has changed the name of the play to “White Toast and Milk.”

While I give money to political action groups, I feel that art is art and PACs (political action committees) should confine their influence to the political arena.

If they wish to influence art, let them create their own, not try to dominate mine or others.