Throwing Water on Year of the Sailor
Five years ago, in a church basement in Perth, Australia, I had the privilege of becoming perhaps the first American to portray Dennis Conner on stage.
A local repertory company asked for volunteers from the audience while presenting a sketch satirizing the America’s Cup boat race, which was being contested off the coast of Fremantle, a few miles away. Nobody raised a hand, so somebody pulled me onto the stage.
They wrapped a rain slicker around me. Smeared white goo on my nose. Threw pails of water in my face.
“So, Dennis,” one of the actors said. “Tell us. How do you like Australia?”
Then he whispered into my ear what to say.
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll take it.”
Not everybody got the joke. I’m not altogether sure I did. And it could have been even more confusing had I said foyn , the way the Australian guy did, instead of fine .
Conner was as famous down there as Christopher Columbus. If a history teacher in Australia ever asked a child, “Who sailed for America?” the answer probably would be Dennis Conner.
Of course, America’s educational system being what it is, if a history teacher in California ever asked a child, “Who’s Christopher Columbus?” the answer probably would be: “Didn’t he direct ‘Home Alone?’ ”
On this, the 500th anniversary of Columbus’ voyage as Spain’s winning entry in the “Find a New Country” classification, boating is back in the news. Defender trials got under way Tuesday off San Diego for the latest America’s Cup, a sporting event that has been around since--as long as we’re discussing history today--Abe Lincoln wore the championship belt of the Illinois Wrestling Federation.
The first America’s Cup challenge took place in 1851. The winner had little in common with the boats of today, except, if I remember correctly, for the Budweiser-sponsored sail.
Conner’s is very much the boat to beat. I believe he has been installed as a 6 1/2-knot favorite.
His syndicate has only one entry, Stars & Stripes. In 1987, Stars & Stripes was simply a 12-meter yacht. A couple of years later, it was a catamaran. I have it on good authority that this year, Stars & Stripes is being powered by an Evinrude.
In Australia, Conner’s competition was provided by the home-country vessel, Kookaburra, which had a very good chance to win. Then the weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed; if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Kookaburra would have been lost.
Cap’n Conner and his San Diego clippers swept the Cup final in four straight, inspiring the loyal crew without once resorting to the whip or lowering food rations.
I believe I recall his parting words as he left Australia:
“I shan’t return.”
After that, a bunch of characters from New Zealand went to court to force Conner to defend his crown. Conner eventually told their skipper, Kiwi Herman, that he would be happy to oblige, provided he could use his new boat, a catamaran, which was legal under America’s Cup guidelines written in the 19th Century that specifically stated, and I quote: “Any boat is legal as long as it has not been constructed out of stainless steel or Fiberglas, which has not yet been invented.”
Conner’s crew did not actually have to sail this boat, so much as sit on the sides with their pant cuffs pulled up so their feet could dangle in the water. They won quite easily, also in the process catching two marlin and some rather hefty tuna.
He might not have it so easy this time.
For one thing, Stars & Stripes is not America’s only boat. Another syndicate, headed by Bill Koch, has two challengers, Defiant and Jayhawk. This group has a much larger budget than Conner’s and, I am told, a much larger cooler in which to store cold drinks.
A third American entry will be the very large vessel captained by Gavin McLeod, who is counting heavily on his crew--Isaac, Doc and Gopher.
This could be a good year to be a sailor. Besides all the fuss about Columbus, don’t forget that Time magazine recently named as its Man of the Year the former America’s Cup champion, Ted Turner, who was honored for his outstanding achievement in television news coverage, his outstanding achievement at the altar and his outstanding achievement in Atlanta’s Columbus-like treatment of the American Indian.
Several other nations will attempt to wrest the Cup away when the trials and finals are held during the next four or five months, in a competition slightly longer than the Stanley Cup playoffs and slightly shorter than the Industrial Revolution.
It’s Japan’s boat that worries me most, being built so cheaply but getting such good mileage.
I am really looking forward to this America’s Cup, and expect to be appearing sometime later in the month in a Conner revival at the Old Globe, two shows nightly, matinees Wednesday. In many ways it has become my favorite sporting event, because it’s the only one where, when you hear about a drug scandal, they’re talking Dramamine.
AMERICA’S CUP: Buddy Melges’ Defiant leads nearly all of the way against Dennis Conner’s Stars & Stripes. C2