Padres Producing Low-Budget ‘Trading Places’
Questions, questions, questions . . .
Should the Padres sign Kurt Stillwell?
Yawn.
Can the Padres sign Kurt Stillwell?
Sure. He is an average hitter with no power and thus little potential for run production. He is a non-impact player, therefore a relatively cheap player.
Stillwell is a financial fit, like Marty Barrett and Jim Presley a year ago. The Padres are also rumored to be interested in Kurt Bevacqua, Bob Owchinko and Mike Ivie.
If Tom Werner ran his television company the way the Padres are being run, Ted Leitner would have been the star of The Cosby Show.
Should the Padres trade Greg Harris for Gary Sheffield?
Think about it. Sheffield’s offensive production is almost a carbon copy of Stillwell’s. Nothing else really need be said.
Except I’m not done yet.
Sheffield is supposedly a young kid, 23, with enormous potential and a bit of an attitude problem. Coming to San Diego, of course, would cure that attitude problem and open the gates to that enormous potential.
If you believe that, your name is Sammy Seattle and you have used similar reasoning in the acquisition of Kevin Mitchell.
Attitudes tend to move with the people who possess them.
Does Alex Spanos realistically expect the new coaching staff to get the Chargers into the 1992 playoffs?
Yes.
Are Alex Spanos’ expectations realistic?
No.
Why?
Because none of those coaches can catch a Charger pass, giving them a lot in common with Charger players, and none of those coaches can stop enemy passes, again giving them a lot in common with Charger players.
Why would Bill Arnsparger go from being director of athletics at the University of Florida to assistant coach, albeit defensive coordinator, with the Chargers?
Bugs. Humidity. Hurricanes.
Florida can be a nasty place to live.
If San Diego State University decides to change basketball coaches when the 1991-92 death march concludes, what will it do about the last two years of Jim Brandenburg’s contract?
Fred Miller, imaginative chap that he is, has come up with a way of putting coaches out to pasture. Sort of. This pasture is also known as a golf course.
When Denny Stolz lost his job as football coach, he had three years remaining on his contract. Miller made him golf coach. Stolz may have been teed off, but he had no choice.
Alas, Stolz’s time is up after the 1991-92 year.
Guess who might well be next in line as golf coach? That was an answer, not a question.
Will Bill Koch’s America 3’s team tinker with its two-boat entry if it had a chance to keep Dennis Conner out of the Defender series finals?
You mean like maybe have one boat inadvertently lose to the other if it would hurt Conner?
Naw. Koch and Buddy Melges, the skippers of the America 3 entries, assure us that no such shenanigans will happen. Absolutely no way.
Watch closely.
Dennis Conner had just better make sure he has a comfortable edge on at least one of the America 3 entries.
Should San Diegans favor either America 3 or Stars & Stripes?
Not really. The winner of the series will represent the San Diego Yacht Club against the Challenger series winner. If America 3 successfully defends the cup, it stays in San Diego.
Thus, San Diegans should root, root, root for these home teams.
Who knows how the quality of life hereabouts would be affected if the cup went to New Zealand or Italy. It might be enough to make us all move to Florida.
What is this business about the Padres moving their spring training camp to Sun City (Ariz.) in 1994?
If the Padres don’t do anything about player acquisitions, they may as well play their regular season games in Sun City. An 8,000-seat stadium would be more than adequate.
The lesson to be learned is that it costs more to be bad than it does to be good.
Why in the world would ESPN want to put Texas El Paso and San Diego State basketball on national television tonight at 9?
It’s Fright Night on ESPN. Unfortunately, its inventory of programs does not include “Friday the 13th,” “Amityville Horror” or “Frankenstein Meets Dennis Conner.”
Consequently, ESPN has had to settle for a different sort of macabre. What UTEP will do to the Aztecs will suffice.
Those with weak stomachs should probably turn to CBS for “Fatal Attraction.”