Older Women With New Babies Share Support : Families: Before, first-time mothers in their 40s often encountered a generation gap when seeking friends with something in common.

Older women who choose to start families after establishing their careers come across many problems in the daily course of new motherhood. Such as finding someone they can talk to.

“When I first began taking my daughter, Annie, out, it was like searching for signs of intelligent life in the playground,” said Lucy Hilmer, 46, a San Francisco photographer.

New mothers over 40 often feel alienated by the large numbers of younger mothers whom they find in counseling workshops, nursery schools and child care centers, according to Alice Stephens, a certified social worker and psychoanalyst in Manhattan.

“Career women are often very disoriented by their first experience of motherhood,” Stephens said. “After all, having a baby in the first place is a very scary and chaotic experience. But it’s even more disorienting when they find themselves in groups of other women who share nothing in common with them and who have never had careers.”

That’s why older mothers around the nation are starting support groups that address their needs. For the most part, these new mothers network through newspaper ads and community centers, according to experts.

The major factor in the growth of older-mother support groups is a dramatic increase of childbirth in women 40 and over. The last poll taken by the Planned Parenthood Federation of America shows that the number of live births for women over 40 almost doubled, from 3,388 in 1984 to 6,745 in 1988.

And the growing numbers of older first-time mothers are just not satisfied with traditional, younger-mother support groups.

When Jo Ann Grossman, 46, brought Emily, her first baby, to a play group two years ago, she felt “totally out of place. The women there were much younger, and they were all talking about shopping and children. I didn’t know what to say. I like to talk about other things, life in general, or my interests.”

Grossman never went back to that first play group. Instead, she tacked a note on her pediatrician’s bulletin board inviting women like herself to “network” in an “older moms” group.

The response to Grossman’s invitation was strong and immediate. Soon she had a list of 30 women over age 40 with children under 3 who wanted to meet each other and form play groups.

“It was a great change from that first play group,” Grossman said. “We talked about what we really wanted to talk about: our work, our interests, our sex lives--everything. I think maybe that we get more out of it than the kids.”

“Older mom” groups are being formed all over New York City as women continue to have children while continuing to pursue careers, according to Melody Anderson, executive director of Resources for Mid-Life and Older Women in Manhattan.

“There are many more support groups for older mothers than there were a few years ago,” Anderson said.

The growth of support groups for older mothers can be seen in many big cities. “Parents Place,” a counseling group operating out of the Jewish Community Center in San Francisco, draws older mothers but has no membership requirements, according to Hilmer.

“It’s a group of like-minded people that came together, and they just happen to be older mothers,” Hilmer said.

There are plenty of good reasons why older mothers gravitate toward each other when they look for emotional support, according to Stephens.

“The problems that older mothers have are completely different than the problems of younger mothers,” Stephens said. “For example, older mothers often feel guilt about how they are dividing themselves, and younger mothers usually don’t have that problem. Older mothers worry about how much they should be giving to their work, and how much to their children. It’s very important for them to be around women who are going through the same feelings.”

These mothers also experience different kinds of pressures than younger mothers, according to Grossman. “If you are older you can get criticism from your doctor, who says, ‘You’re nuts, and too old to have kids,’ and your parents, who say, ‘What are you doing, you’re not a kid.’ It’s nice to have friends around you to help you deal with those kinds of pressures.”