THE OLYMPICS / WINTER GAMES AT ALBERTVILLE : This One’s in the Refrigerator

Well, another Winter Olympics bites the frost.

It’s over. Everybody scram. Last one out of town, turn off the torch.

But before we go, let’s take one last look back, shall we?

(And remember, if you absolutely have to have dope-testing, test the media. That’s where the dopes are.)

The TV Coverage--CBS sent Charles Kuralt and Morley Safer. Next Olympics: Dan Rather goes ice dancing. And Mike Wallace exposes St. Bernard dogs with serious brandy addictions. Tick, tick, tick, tick. . . .

The Sex Testing--There are men’s events. There are women’s events. And never the twain shall meet. (OK, except for that ice-dance stuff. And why two guys or two women can’t ice dance together, I have no idea. Ice dancers have rights.)

But genetic testing is conducted to make sure all the men are men and all the women are women. Nobody undresses. They take a saliva sample. They take out their microscopes. They look for a Y chromosome. You got a Y, you’re a guy.

Only . . . not every guy has a Y. And some women do. Approximately one of every 500 women Olympians tested reportedly has a Y. So, I don’t even know why they look for a Y. I don’t even know if I have a Y. Do U know if U have a Y? Who puts Y’s in guys? Can U buy a Y? Where would I buy a Y? Could U buy a Y at Y’s R Us? What about your X wife?

The Figure Skating--As a child, I went ice skating for the first time. I skated 30 seconds. I fell. Then I got up and skated another minute. I fell. Somebody bumped me. I fell. With this identical routine, several prominent skaters at the Albertville Olympics won medals.

You’ve heard of the Winter Olympics? The Summer Olympics? These were the Fall Olympics. They ought to equip these people with seat cushions. Or maybe air-bags.

The Ice Hockey--The United States team has revolutionized this Olympic sport. Traditionally, these are the positions: goalie, defense, defense, left wing, right wing, center. Now, here are the American positions: Goalie, enforcer, mugger, good wing, bad wing, bail bondsman.

The Curling--Ha ha ha ha. Ho ho ho ho. Stop. No, please. Stop. No more. You’re killing me. Nice broom.

The Skating Judges--”Inga?” “Ya, I liked her shoes. I give her 5.9.”

“Boris?” “Nyet, her music is pits. I give her 5.2.”

“Francoise?” “Oui, she did not spin 3 1/2 times. She spun 3 1/8 times. I counted. I give her 5.3.”

“Wolfgang?” “Nein, she was fine. I give her 5.8.”

“Next judge?” “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. What country was she from? Oh, mine ? Then I give her 6.0.”

The Bobsled--Prince Albert of Monaco competed at Calgary and again here. He goes by “Albert Grimaldi.” He says: “You can call me Al.” He lives in the Olympic Village. Everybody thinks this is really swell of Al. Except everybody forgets one thing.

The Olympic Village is bigger than Monaco.

Short-track Speedskating--It’s Roller Derby on ice. It’s the best. But it can be so much better.

1. Put a jammer’s helmet on a woman from, say, Belgium.

2. Stick her in the back of the pack.

3. Award her one point for every skater she passes.

Provide her with one teammate to throw blocks, sideswipe opponents or use elbows to send, say, some unsuspecting Scandinavian sailing over the railing into the stands.

The Australia Problem--Listen, if you people aren’t going to win any more medals than this, maybe you better stick to what you do best. Go race a yacht.

The “Unified” Problem--Communism is dead. And, by golly, we’re glad. Now all we need to do is get these folks a decent song.

The Olympics is no place to be without an anthem. I hate seeing these proud winners on the top pedestal humming the International Olympic Anthem--which, as you may or may not know, was written and performed by Waylon Jennings.

Here are some suggestions for the various republics if and when they field separate Olympic teams:

Russia: “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.” Ukraine: “Strangers in the Night.” Latvia: “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” Estonia: “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” Georgia: “That’s the Night That the Lights Went Out in Georgia.” Lithuania: “Lithuania 6-5000.” Armenia: “Armenia the Beautiful.”

The Skiing--I like everything but the commercials. You know, where the winner makes sure his ski is next to his face so you can see the trademark?

Hey, you don’t see those curling people doing that with their brooms.

And by the way, if the ice is that dirty, wouldn’t a dust-buster be a lot more practical?

So long, Albert. Loved your ville.