He’s There When Volunteering Gets Tough

Aubrey Moss was always the one on whom family members relied when there was a tragedy. He wasn’t the oldest or the most educated but he had a way about him that seemed to say everything was going to be all right.

And then he had a tragedy of his own--his wife, Ruth, died of cancer. First, it changed his life. Then he set about changing the lives of thousands of other people.

“I was amazed that no one talked to family members of cancer patients,” he said, recalling his experience of 16 years ago. “I began to talk with people like me who were going to lose a loved one. So when a hospital official asked me to make a training film on how to work with terminal patients, I agreed.”

Several years later, the Veterans Administration Hospital in Brentwood started a hospice for terminal cancer patients, and the American Cancer Society approached Moss for guidance.

Moss was invited to hospital staff meetings; he became, in his words, a father confessor to nurses, and he went to USC to train hot-line volunteers.

“I realized that I was volunteering almost as much as I was ‘working’ and getting more out of it,” he said.

Aubrey Moss is now 68, remarried and retired from his job as a manufacturer’s representative for crystal and china. And he is still helping people, particularly families of cancer patients.

“People told me I’d burn out, but here I am,” the British-born Moss said. “Once you’ve lived through the blitz and the Burma campaign (of World War II), you know how capable you are.”

Today he spends 16 hours a week at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center working with families of cancer patients. He also spends many hours as a surrogate grandfather to families of children with disabilities or chronic illness through the Family Friends Project.

“When a child is ill, all of the family resources, emotional and financial, are focused on that child,” he said. “The other children need attention too, and that’s what Family Friends does.

“My first family had a 2-year-old child who was the victim of a faulty birthing procedure. After visiting with the family, an older sibling asked me to go to school on Grandfather Day. . . . It was especially moving for me.”

Moss also works with an Orthodox Jewish family with seven children, one of whom has cancer of the testes. “The father left, and I concentrate on the 12-year-old girl who hates him. When she’s upset I point to my cheek and say, ‘Kiss,’ and the affection alone breaks her mood.”

But watching people die is not simple even for people like Aubrey Moss--a great bear of a man who understands the difference between pity and empathy.

“When a patient dies I go to the next one. We have to have a shield, but because I want to help I keep my feelings inside. I do remember certain patients like the 37-year-old Chinese woman who didn’t speak English who died in my arms while her two young children looked on. I’ll never get over it, but I wait until I get home to let my feelings out.”

Moss speaks Japanese, a little Hindi, a little less Thai, some Russian and Hebrew, but he says just knowing how to greet people in their language helps build a bond. When he goes home each day he talks to his wife, Pearl.

“I feel blessed. I’ve had a lot of rough times but I owe everything to my two wives. I did OK in business, but my wives have done everything else. Ruth taught me not to sulk and Pearl taught me about communication. She taught me to have patience with people. If you listen a lot you’ll know how to respond. People always send signals,” he said.

The Family Friends Project is a non-sectarian program of the Jewish Family Service of Los Angeles co-sponsored by UCLA Medical Center. It is funded by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and directed by the National Council on the Aging. It needs volunteers 55 and older. On the Westside, call (310) 825-9647.

Bulletin Board

Saints & Sinners--The group will have dancing and entertainment; Fairfax Senior Citizens Center, 7929 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles; 7 p.m. Tuesday; information: (213) 653-0138 ($4 guests).

Group--The Claude Pepper Senior Center will offer a men’s support group; 1762 S. La Cienega Blvd., Los Angeles; 9:30 a.m. Wednesdays; registration and information: (310) 559-9677 (free).

Friendship Club--Temple Isaiah’s Friendship Club will celebrate its 20th anniversary; 10345 W. Pico Blvd., Los Angeles; 10:30 a.m. Thursdays; information: (310) 659-7674 ($1 members, $1.25 non-members).

Shabbat Dinner--Westside Jewish Community Center will sponsor a Shabbat dinner for seniors; 5870 W. Olympic Blvd., Los Angeles; 5 p.m. Friday; information: (213) 938-2531, Ext. 2225 ($5 members, $7.50 guests).

Ballroom Dancing--Santa Monica Senior Recreation Center holds a weekly dance; 1450 Ocean Ave., Santa Monica; 7:30 p.m. Saturdays; information: (310) 394-0184 ($2 members, $2.50 non-members).