AMERICA’S CUP : It’s America 3, Start to Finish : Koch Konked Because He Doesn’t Duck

Here are some of the horrible things that could have happened Saturday after America 3skipper Bill (Boomer) Koch got attacked by his own sailboat.

--He could have lost his way and headed for Honolulu.

--He could have gotten confused and ordered his crew to open fire on the Italian boat.

--He could have tossed a yellow dye marker overboard and conducted a search for two missing quarts of strawberries.

--He could have staggered drunkenly toward the helm and announced: “Now for my next impression--captain of the Exxon Valdez!”

--He could have expressed concern for the safety of the Professor, Ginger and Mary Ann.

Luckily, the owner of America 3 came away with nothing worse than the need for some Anacin 2.

The Wichita boatman also came away with an easy, breezy America’s Cup victory over Il Moro di Venezia, which translated into English means: “The Starting Line Is Where?”

The Venetian vessel got to the start so early, the crew’s wristwatches must still be set on Italy time.

By the time they got their heads out of their aft, the faces of the Italian sailors were as red as their boat.

For Paul Cayard, who mans the helm, departing was such sweet sorrow that Il Moro could do little more than wait ‘til it be morrow.

“Just totally misjudged the current,” said Cayard, the Keith Hernandez look-alike whose surname sounds like part of a boat. Avast, matey. Hoist the mainsail up the cayard .

“It’s hard to have a much worse day than we had today, from all aspects,” Cayard said, good-naturedly.

Bill Koch, meantime, had smooth sailing. There were more knots on his head than in the wind. Koch’s cranium got thumped like a yacht being christened with a magnum of Moet.

Talk about being broadsided--a boom came swinging across the deck and lived up to its name, connecting on the sweet spot, leaving Koch’s eyeballs spinning like a needle on a compass.

Ribbing being as much a part of sailing as rigging, America 3 helmsman Buddy Melges couldn’t resist giving some to tactician Dave Dellenbaugh, saying: “He conked our leader on the head, and I don’t think that was too intelligent. I will say, he drove the zig-zag leg quite nicely.”

Too bad Frank Gifford anchored the TV coverage of the race.

Should have been John Madden.

Drawing on his Telestrator, Madden could have said: “Let’s look at that again! Here’s Koch, lined up on this side over here! (Draws circle.) Now here’s the boom over here (another circle), attached to the mast at a 90-degree angle, extending horizontal toward the stern! Now watch! It swings across the deck and BOOM!!!”

Auto racing has accidents. The Indy 500 is turning into the Indy Demolition Derby. Horse racing has spills. Boat racing, though, is usually about as safe as your bathtub. You can’t even slip on the soap.

Oh, sure, Dennis Conner did ram Koch’s backup boat, Kanza, during the Cup’s Defender series. And a French boat did rear-end a Japanese boat. And one of Koch’s crewmen, John Spence, was sailing along peacefully with Heart of America a few years back when suddenly he became your basic man overboard.

But Wichita Bill, 51, was hardly expecting to spend the first day of the America’s Cup finals as the most dazed individual from Kansas since that Dorothy kid ended up in downtown Oz.

And this isn’t the first time Koch has felt a need to have his head examined.

He’s the guy who, having spent $64 million on a boat race, has been wondering if maybe the money might be better spent on something else.

While emotionally it might be worth it, Koch said: “Financially, I would say win or lose, it’s not worth it. Would I do it again? No. If it’s going to cost this much, then no, it’s not worth it.”

Good to hear that a guy doesn’t need a boom to the head to knock some sense into him.

Koch spent the rest of Saturday wearing an icepack on his scalp and hoping nobody would start referring to him as Ol’ Mast-head.

If he misjudges the current today, at least he’ll have a good excuse.