‘Condom Etiquette’ and Men

Whose responsibility is safe sex? We know the answer to that--in theory. But when it really comes down to it, between a man and a woman, who’s going to make sure a condom is used?

I have the luxury of pondering the question from the vantage point of a long, monogamous marriage. I don’t have to worry about how to introduce the concept of protection without throwing cold water on passion or offending a new partner. I don’t have to fret about those awkward moments when couples headed for intimacy need to exchange information about the microbiology of their bloodstreams.

But plenty of people I love do have to be concerned about these things. And I worry about them.

Lately, I am concerned about an unfortunate double standard that has developed in discussions of the “etiquette” surrounding heterosexual condom use.

Two half-hour videos arrived at the office last week, both addressing female audiences. Both bill themselves as instructional, promising to help women introduce the subject of protection during sexual encounters. The premise is that this can be a supremely awkward moment, but it doesn’t have to be. Both also promote the notion that responsibility for safety will fall on the woman, and that she needs to be prepared.

How come video makers aren’t offering help to men?

Adam Glickman, whose second local Condomania store opens today on Hollywood Boulevard, says heterosexual men may be left out of the informational loop because they do not seek advice the way women do. Although Condomania gives away informational pamphlets and sells books that address both sexes, the great majority of customers are women, says Glickman, and they ask for advice all the time.

“Women say, ‘Every time I take this (condom) out, he loses his erection, so what do I do?’ ” says Glickman. “I say, ‘Look, a lot of men are bummed out that they have to do this. They see it as a threat to their masculinity. For these guys, the best thing to do is relieve them of the responsibility. You put it on him and make it an erotic thing.’ ”

It is true that women are more at risk than men for sexually transmitted disease during unprotected heterosexual encounters. But these days, say the health experts, any unprotected sex is a form of biological roulette for either person.

As I watched the videos, I could not help but think what a shame it is that men are not being targeted with this information, too.

“Condom Etiquette (For Women Only),” a well-intentioned local production by Sharon Lindsey, features Lindsey interviewing two professional women, neither of whom is an expert on health issues, about condom use. They are sitting around a table laden with cucumbers, bananas, zucchinis and carrots--which are used to show how to put on a condom. There is some good practical information here, but it is overwhelmed by a lack of script and a tendency toward silliness. And there a few downright lame moments.

“Once I bought a gross of condoms,” says one woman. “Ever since then, I’ve had a special relationship with that pharmacist.”

Giggles.

Later, there is an incomprehensible joke--at least to me--about lesbians while one of the woman holds two bananas.

The far more polished “Playing It Safe (What Every Woman Needs to Know)” was produced by G.D. Searle & Co., the birth-control pill pioneer, and is distributed free to gynecologists and obstetricians for their patients. Actress Valerie Bertinelli introduces the mini-drama about a female radio talk show host who tries to apply to her own life what she has learned from the shows she does with a doctor who is an expert on sexual health issues.

The video contains straightforward information about sexually transmitted diseases, what a woman’s chances are of getting infected through unprotected sex, and how a woman might deal with a man who is genuinely offended when the subject of condom use is raised.

“No cover, no lover,” says one woman.

“No protection, no affection,” says another.

“So I said, ‘Let me put it on you,’ ” says a third.

Women standing up for their own sexual health can never be a bad thing. And perhaps, in the heat of passion, it is advisable to relieve a reluctant man of his responsibility--if that’s the only way he’ll use a condom.

Maybe the way to equalize the burden is to start educating early. The week that Magic Johnson announced that he is HIV-positive, says Glickman, six women marched into Condomania with their 13-year-old sons in tow.

“Teach our sons about condoms,” they said. “The schools aren’t doing it. We can’t do it.”

So the boys got a lesson--and one they won’t have forgotten, let’s hope, by the time they really need it.