Subject Matter: Hard Facts About Investigated Journalists
You could almost hear the national gasp when Ross Perot acknowledged he had snooped on a few former employees suspected of wrongdoing.
Come on, tell the truth, don’t you work with some people who should be under closer surveillance? I don’t know about your office, but we have a lot of suspicious characters around here and despite the burden of my regular duties, I devote a little bit of each day to undercover work on my colleagues.
Here are some entries from my files:
Subject A: Arrived at his desk at 9:34 a.m., 34 minutes late. His hair was still wet, suggesting he had showered only minutes earlier. I followed him at a safe distance into the lunchroom, where he bought a doughnut and coffee. He made small talk with cashier and complimented her on a new hairstyle, then dropped a quarter behind the cash register. When cashier bent over to retrieve it, he slipped a 2-cent package of sweetener into his pocket without paying.
Subject B: This Caucasian male, generally seen as straight arrow, has peculiar tendencies. Frequently is seen with phone in his ear but never says anything. When editor approaches, he begins furiously typing. When working late one night, subject walked over to staff mailboxes and stuffed a dozen letters addressed to his colleagues into a briefcase and left the facility.
Subject C: Respected staffer, seen as leader of feminists in the office. Followed her on a recent lunch hour to Fullerton, where she stopped at an antiquarian bookstore. Entered premises at 12:45 and, as customers idled at the counter, subject browsed several books on male subjugation. After all customers had left, subject hurriedly rushed to back room where old magazines are filed and purchased six copies of Playgirl from the mid-’80s.
Subject D: Mid-level manager, a button-down-collar type known to everyone as organizational climber and team player. On recent Saturday was observed at a hardware store where he purchased ample supply of wood and nails. Followed subject home where he spent rest of afternoon building tree house in his back yard. Subject then took pillow, blanket, candles and books and has spent last several nights in the treehouse, where he’s been overheard talking to his friends, “Mr. Owl” and “Mr. Moonlight.”
Subject E: Foul-mouthed, nasty personality, uniformly disliked for arrogance and selfishness. Got into ugly lunchroom incident with co-worker, who told her everyone on the staff hated her. Followed subject afterward to a nearby empty church, where she knelt in silence in front of a pew before bursting into tears.
Subject F: Quiet woman, legendary for her reporting accuracy as well as privacy of her personal life. Followed subject on recent weekend outing, during which she spent days in roadside motel in Riverside and nights at local Tiger Club, where, introduced as “Tabby,” she danced topless in a six-foot gilded cage.
Subject G: Trusted staffer recently demoted. Has spent last several nights between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. cruising Irvine and spray-painting “Times Rules!” on bridge abutments.
Subject H: Editorial writer known as deep thinker, often asks colleagues if they have seen “Nightline” on previous night. Over recent three-day period, subject made frequent lingerie purchases, which he wore in his living room while watching “Arsenio Hall.”
Subject I: Has spent last few early afternoons at supermarkets, urging people to sign petition drive to establish Soupy Sales’ birthday as a national holiday.
Subject J: Assistant city editor with late-night unrestricted access to supply cabinet. Subject has over a period of years been observed taking home a handful of paper clips. Now numbering nearly 1,000, the clips have been fashioned into life-size replica of a person, which subject dresses in gray suit and fedora and props up in a chair nightly at the dinner table.
Subject K: Middle-aged reporter has called in sick for last three weeks. Subject has secretly been going to an Anaheim hair replacement club, where he is volunteering to be first man to receive follicle implants from a great ape.
Subject L: Good-looking young reporter told editor his mother had taken ill and he needed to attend to her. Instead, subject speeded to Hollywood, where he unsuccessfully auditioned for appearance on “Studs.”
I could go on but it’s late in the day. Besides, I’ve got to pick up my bunny suit at the cleaners.
Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.