STAGE REVIEW : Zadora Falls Embarrassingly Short of the Mark in ‘Too Short’

This year, Gary Smith produced the Democratic National Convention and created and directed Pia Zadora’s musical autobiography, “Too Short to Be a Rockette!”

At least the convention went well.

As for the theater production, well, the neon set is swell, and Vincent Falcone’s 22-piece orchestra is peachy, but the show, which continues at the Spreckels Theatre through Aug. 9, dwarfs the tiny Zadora--all 5 foot, 1 3/4 inches of her.

Ostensibly, “Too Short to Be a Rockette!” is the story of Zadora’s life, but it’s about as illuminating as Richard Nixon’s account of the 18 1/2-minute gap on the Watergate tapes.

The main thing you learn about Zadora in this show is that she’s always longed to be a star. Desperately. And that she clearly has no boundaries, no concept of where her talent lies. And, clearly, she had no one to curb her excesses in this self-produced, self-aggrandizing show.

She sings and dances her way through 20 songs with a four-person backup ensemble. She’s not bad on the torch-song numbers by Irving Berlin, Harold Arlen and Ira Gershwin and Jerry Herman. But her voice simply does not rise to the operatic demands of Sondheim (or the irony of his lyrics) or to the power required by “Dreamgirls.”

As for the original songs written for the show by Buz Kohan and Larry Grossman, their lyrics are so bad, they’re funny: “Life gives you the eggs, but you’ve got to make them hatch; Life gives you the time, but you’ve got to wind the clock,” etc.

But, the problem is, Zadora is not playing this for laughs.

Intermittently throughout the production, videos on two on-stage screens show people giving icky-sweet testimonials about Zadora. Frank Sinatra tells us she can sing, Tommy Lasorda tells us he wishes he could lose as much weight as she weighs now--and he only has 5 pounds to go!--and Beatrice Arthur tells us Zadora wore red fingernail polish when she played the tiny part of one of Tevye’s youngest daughters in “Fiddler on the Roof” on Broadway as a kid.

Zadora’s mother--yes, she even has videos of her mother raving about her--gets repeated chances to tell us how cute Zadora is and how talented and how successful. And Zadora’s daughter, Kady, and her son, Kristofer, tell us she’s pretty neat too. The only family member not on video is her husband, the wealthy Meshulam Riklis, who probably bankrolled the whole thing.

Zadora has some talent--though not enough to be headlining a Vegas-y extravaganza like this on her own. If you can stand waiting until about the 10th song in the first act and can close your eyes to the garish, look-at-me proceedings on the stage, listen to her belt a medley of “End of a Love Affair” and “How About Me.” There really is some gold dust lurking in that perky little frame.

If she took those songs plus two winners from the second act, “How Do You Keep the Music Playing” and “If He Walked Into My Life,” and, accompanied by just a pianist, built a lounge act with those and other classic selections on a small, simple stage, that could have possibilities.

But “Too Short to Be a Rockette!” will just remind audiences why for years Zadora was a joke in Hollywood, a punch line for the likes of Johnny Carson and Steve Allen, who said at 1982’s Night of 100 Stars: “If a bomb fell on this room tonight, it would be a big break for Pia Zadora.”

In 1985, it looked as if she were making a comeback; she cut a well-received “Pia and Phil” album, in which she sang standards backed by the London Philharmonic. But “Too Short to Be a Rockette!” is an embarrassing step backward.

As for billing this as autobiographical, that’s misleading. This show is nothing more than a living press kit.

“TOO SHORT TO BE A ROCKETTE!”

By Buz Kohan and Bruce Vilanch. Original music by Larry Grossman. Original lyrics by Buz Kohan. Set design, Roy Christopher. Conceived and directed by Gary Smith. Musical staging and choreography, Walter Painter. Lighting, Ken Billington. Costumes, Ret Turner. Sound, Philip G. Allen. Musical direction, Vincent Falcone. Production stage manager, Rafael V. Blanco. With Pia Zadora, Curt Anthon, Bernard Dotson, Rosemarie Jackson, Judette Warren and Kady Zadora. Performances are 8 p.m. Tuesdays-Saturdays, Sundays at 7:30 p.m., with Saturday-Sunday matinees at 3 p.m., through Aug. 9. Tickets are $12.50-$32.50. At the Spreckels Theatre, 121 Broadway, San Diego, 278-TIXS.