SPECIAL REPORT : Hassle-Free Remodeling : TRAUMA AMID THE DUST : Spare the Children

Home renovation is, at best, trying. Plaster dust invades every crevice of your home; your bank balance fast approaches zero and, for the first time in your married life, you may seriously consider divorce.

Keep in mind, also, the total lack of privacy, the dislocation and the mess. The stresses involved can be a real blow to stability for everyone in the family--but for children most of all, as my family discovered.

“Renovation can be compared to natural disaster,” said Judith Rivin, a West Los Angeles psychotherapist who specializes in couples and family therapy. “You are out of control of your own environment. This is traumatic, like physical illness, and can lead to feelings of homelessness, rootlessness.”

This is true whether you leave your premises or decide to brave the plaster dust. For example, we moved out of our house for three weeks of demolition. My husband and I felt that our 3-year old son, Zachary, would be better off not seeing the house torn up, so we visited the site only while Zack was in nursery school.

One night at the motel, while Zack was asleep, I heard him grinding his teeth, a sure sign of stress. The next morning, on television, a child rode a rocking horse just like Zack’s. “Look,” I told him, “that little boy has a horse jut like yours.”

“No,” he replied, “my horse is lost.”

I became concerned; it was time to call for help. I spoke with Estelle Kramer, former director of the Westside Jewish Community Center nursery school. She instructed me to drive by the house on our way back to the motel and to take Zachary inside if he would go.

“Show him his belongings. He has to see his toys to know they’re not lost forever. These are his worldly possessions,” Kramer said. “Tell him that the house won’t be broken forever. Soon it will be a lovely place to live, and his room will be nicer than before. Most important, reassure him that no matter what happens, Mommy and Daddy will be there to take care of him and that your love for him does not change.”

I arrived early to pick up Zack. As we approached the play yard gate, he threw his arms around my legs and became hysterical. He was afraid to see the house, he hated the motel and he fully believed all his toys were lost. It was as though his entire world had been torn from him. He desperately wanted to stay at school, his last refuge. I had to carry him to the car; he kicked and screamed the entire way.

Eventually, we reached the site. The front yard was a pool of mud, but at least our house was still there. We have a huge old ficus in the front yard--Zack hugged and kissed it. We went around to the back of the house; enough of the flooring was down to go inside.

Most of our belongings were piled in the living room. At the very top of the stack, under the layers of plastic and plaster dust, stood Zack’s rocking horse. When I showed it to him, he cried.

I picked him up, and together we went through the house looking for all his toys. When night fell, we had to drive to the motel (we still had no power, no water, no heat, no toilet and no back wall), but the crisis was over--my son was fine.

With proper planning and preparation, a child’s sense of insecurity and loss during a remodel can be minimized. Nira Ronen, a family and individual therapist in Santa Monica who has worked extensively with children, suggested making the child a part of the process.

“Don’t hide anything from him. If he knows what is going to happen, he will feel much more secure,” she said. “Show him the plans and thoroughly discuss the process which is about to begin. Let him meet the people involved. Show him swatches of wallpaper, color chips for paint, carpet samples. Let him feel he has an important role to play in the project. This way, the child will not feel so powerless.”

Even if everyone involved in your renovation has assured you you will not have to leave your home, anything can (and probably will) happen.

“Prepare your child at least one month in advance for the possibility of moving out. Let him choose which toys he wants to bring,” Ronen said. “If you do have to move out, reassure your child that the rest of his toys will be safe at home or in storage, as the case may be.”

Rivin takes this one step further. “Toys are very important,” she said, “not just quantity, but variety. With different types of toys, children can often work through their problems during play.”

For example, a child can play-act with dolls or stuffed animals. With art supplies, a child can visually represent what he or she is experiencing. With Legos and other types of blocks, children can build and remodel their own structures; they are in control.

Jill Model Barth, a child development specialist in both private practice and as a consultant for pediatrician Alan Klein, suggested: “Take photos of the house throughout (the procedure). This will provide children with an experience of process, a sense of beginning, middle and end.”

Added Rivin: “Ask your child to draw a picture of all of you or of how he wants things to be. Your response should be simple and direct: ‘Tell me more about this picture. What’s happening in this part?’ These suggestions are helpful even when the family remains in the home.”

Whatever the extent of your remodel, children are bound to be traumatized. Maintain the perspective that this is all temporary.

“Leave time for fun,” Rivin suggests. “If family ritual cannot be followed for whatever reasons, make up a new, temporary ritual for the situation. If it feels like you are camping, do camping things. Sing songs, eat dinner sitting on the floor, roast marshmallows. Even though this is a time out of your normal lives, it can be enjoyable.”

Both Rivin and Barth suggest that parents verbalize for children in concrete terms: “Do you wish we were home now instead of here?” or “You probably want things back the way they were, don’t you?”

Specific questions work much better than just asking, “Is anything bothering you?” Barth explains, “Children are often overwhelmed by emotions, but are unable to convey what they are going through. If parents articulate these feelings, then children feel understood and accepted.”