Adoptive Mom Wades Through a Sea of Conflicting Suggestions

I’ve recently become a mother, and I’ve discovered something.

There sure are a lot of parenting books out there.

I’ve read books about guilt-ridden mothers who overcompensate with their children or their spouses because they don’t devote enough attention to either; books about career moms who try to juggle jobs, home, children and a husband, and books about being a happy housewife and mom, baking cookies and doing that PTA thing.

Most books cover single parenting as a grim sequence of divorce and endless fights with ex-husbands or wives or in-laws about child care or alimony or who gets the kid this week.

And sure, the books sometimes mention the Murphy Browns of the world who decide to get pregnant and raise a baby alone (as well as how to handle the father of said baby).

But they so rarely cover those of us single moms (and dads) who have decided to adopt. There’s never any other parent in our daily picture. Just ourselves. I have no husband (ex- or otherwise) and no in-laws.

Parenting books are still sadly remiss when there’s no one to share baby chores. You learn very fast: It’s always your turn. No help with those 1 a.m. feedings (or 3 a.m. or 5 a.m.), no one to make dinner while you bathe the baby, or answer the phone or do the laundry or go to the market or feed the cat or . . . .

You get the picture.

Now, nobody promised me a rose garden and a nanny. I knew this job was all mine when I took it on. What I’m getting at is the fact that single-parent material is either not there or is barely addressed. And all child-rearing information is contradictory.

Let me rebut a selection of prevalent myths:

One: Almost every baby book says, “Nap when she’s asleep.” Are they crazy? That’s when you do the laundry, clean the kitchen, take a shower. A nap can only occur when you least expect it, like on the bus to work.

So face it, you’re going to be brain dead for, oh, a year at least. It can be longer.

Two: Baby books are full of clear-cut pronouncements about what your baby should eat. In reality, you are on your own, especially when it comes to coping with allergies.

One book says it’s a good idea to avoid the following: spinach, tomatoes, corn, wheat, berries (especially strawberries), chocolate, cheese, whole egg, citrus fruit and legumes until babies are more than 8 or 9 months old--and sometimes until they’re a year old.

But when you read the labels, you will find almost all those ingredients in some form or another and many are recommended either as beginner foods or appropriate for after 6 months old.

And Dr. Spock seems to have no qualms about orange juice early on.

Here’s another: “Never prop a bottle because the baby may get milk in her inner ear, which will cause an ear infection.” This, in part, is true: Never prop a bottle when the baby is lying flat. The baby could choke. Then there are those who say that propping up a bottle doesn’t do much for bonding.

But once my baby got to be about 3 months old, in the mornings I propped her up in her baby seat and propped the bottle up too, which gave me a few minutes to use the bathroom and get dressed. She was not in a distant room. She was right there in the middle of things. And happy as a clam watching me scurry about while she drank her milk. And nothing has interfered with our bonding.

When an infant wakes up in the middle of the night, most baby books recommend letting the child cry herself back to sleep, because babies usually do. They say you shouldn’t set up a pattern of going to them every time because they will come to depend on you for that and you both wind up insomniacs.

However, none of these books ever takes into account the fact that a lot of us, single or not, live in apartments. So when junior decides to have a wailing fest at 2:15 a.m., you can’t just let him cry it out if you have any consideration for your neighbors who get up at 6 a.m.

Another myth says you’re going to be hard-pressed to find any time for yourself.

As a single, you’ve pretty much been on your own for some time and you probably figured out that adding a baby to your routine was going to mean some big changes. So you cope.

I don’t mind taking my baby when I go out. I’m proud of her. I like showing her off. She’s not an albatross around my neck; she’s the best thing since sunlight.

Once a baby starts sleeping through the night, you have some time to call your own. Of course, you may be doing the dishes. But pretty soon, you learn how to deal with housework, too. You learn you can put it off.

Then you have time to get in some reading or letter-writing or video-watching. And if you are not a complete recluse, you do have friends and family who will baby-sit, allowing you a night out on your own or with others.

Being a single adoptive mom is no piece of cake. Ah, but then there’s that adorable baby, so close to my heart. And all the advice in the world becomes just so much hot air.