Q & A With the Count

Count Dracula, in his first interview since he was forced to leave Transylvania after the fall of Romanian dictator Ceausescu, discusses his rocky adjustment to life in America: a bitter feud with his evil twin brother, Count Chocula; frightening advances in garlic technology, and his struggle to overcome a centuries-old addiction to blood--he’s in a 12-step program.

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Question: You’re wearing Dockers jeans. What happened to the cape?

Answer: I lost everything after Ceausescu. The democratic government seized my castle in Transylvania; it took away my Communist Party perks. So here I am in a condo in Yorba Linda, near Richard Nixon’s birthplace, trying to survive. And it’s been a real pain in the neck. For starters, too many people over here eat those odorless garlic tablets. Several times I’ve been deathly ill--never even knew what hit me.

Q: You’ve also had some well-publicized disputes with your cereal-magnate brother, Count Chocula.

A: Chockie never should have signed with General Mills. He promised it was only temporary--till he paid off some debts--but it ended up with him slowly selling out the family legacy. He let his son--my nephew!--appear on Sesame Street to teach kids how to count. And he started staying out after dawn, thanks to sun block and Raybans. Now he’s traded his traditional oak coffin for a Tupperware casket with the patented airtight fit. How are we supposed to stay scary with vampires behaving like that? It ruins the image.

Q: But you recently checked into the Betty Ford Clinic. Doesn’t that also hurt the vampire mystique?

A: Look, I was in denial for several centuries. I always thought I was a social blood drinker, but after some of my victims began reading co-dependency books and did an intervention, I had to admit it. I tried plasma chewing gum; I tried “the patch.” I was running around like a bat out of hell. Nothing worked until I turned it over to a higher power. Now I’ve been off blood for four months.

Q: Who’s your higher power?

A: Garth Brooks.

Q: But don’t vampires need blood to live?

A: Well, I eat right, exercise regularly--and I take Geritol for iron-poor blood.

Q: Some of the tabloids have you linked romantically to various celebrities, including Cher, Roseanne Arnold and a mystery woman named Gennifer.

A: I admit that I’ve made some mistakes in my marriage; I’ve done some things I regret--but Zsa and I have no plans to split. On our wedding day, 382 years ago, we took solemn vows I intend to honor.

Q: Some film critics suggest that your new movie, “Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” is doomed. They say that you’re out of touch, that today’s young audiences can’t relate to a 500-year-old dental case from Eastern Europe.

A: Out of touch? What about styling gel? I started wearing the stuff before the Council of Trent. Now everybody’s using it. And what about Batman--the story of a guy who turns into a bat? Sound familiar? Anyone who says I’m out of touch has it all backwards.

Q: Sdrawkcab?

A: Yeah, backwards.

Q: When you fled Romania after the coup and decided to live in California, did you consider other cities besides Yorba Linda?

A: Yes, every place except Gilroy.

Q: Who do you like in the upcoming presidential election?

A: I never vote. The polls close before I wake up. But I do have a lot of relatives in Congress.