Coup Isn’t Needed to Depose Household...
A father is about to ground his 14-year-old son, who has failed to do his chores after repeated reminders. But, as he is winding up to deliver a familiar lecture, he looks into his son’s eyes and realizes that the teen-ager is both exhausted and stressed out.
Disturbed that he’d been too preoccupied with work to notice this sooner, the father asks, “Are you OK?”
This unexpected compassion immediately breaks down the teen-ager’s defenses. “I’m sorry, Dad,” he says, fighting back tears. “I didn’t mean to screw up again. I just got involved in too many activities at school this semester, and I keep falling farther and farther behind in my classes. I never seem to catch up on homework or sleep.”
The father puts his arm around his son and says: “I understand your frustration--I’ve been there. Let’s go get something to eat and talk about this. I’m sure we can figure out a way to ease your stress.”
The father ends up temporarily relieving his son of some of his chores, and the boy agrees to cut back on his extracurricular activities and resume his share of the household work as soon as the semester is over.
They’ve both learned something about the importance of keeping their lives in balance. And they’ve connected with each other in a way that wouldn’t have been possible if the father had grounded his son and dismissed him instead of taking the time to talk.
If you admire this father’s patience, but suspect that you would have lost your temper and laid down the law in the same situation, don’t feel bad. You’re not the only parent who still believes in punishment, or uses it because you’ve never been exposed to any other way of influencing children’s behavior.
But there is a school of parenting that rejects the idea of punishment altogether, favoring a more democratic approach to family life. And, according to Jan Linthorst, a marriage, family and child counselor in Orange, this is the wave of the future, because dictators are as out of favor on the home front as they are on the international political scene.
Linthorst and his wife, Ann, also a marriage, family and child counselor, have two grown sons, and their experience--both personally and professionally--has made them firm believers in a style of parenting in which mothers and fathers:
* View their children as “partners in growth” instead of seeing them as “objects to be managed.”
* Let go of the need to be perfect--and give their children the same freedom.
* Find joy in nurturing their offspring and watching them develop rather than feeling burdened by the responsibility of “making them come out right.”
* Don’t give lectures, but maintain an open dialogue and really listen to what their children have to say.
* See the job of guiding children as a challenge to be met with creativity and resourcefulness--not rigid rules.
The Linthorsts consider the idea of “child raising” outmoded and autocratic. This approach to parenting, they contend, relies too heavily on psychological theory and leads to a lot of anxiety, frustration and guilt among parents who constantly worry about whether they’re doing the right thing.
It’s easier to relax and enjoy parenting if you see yourself as a “student of fatherhood and motherhood,” learning as you go along, using your imagination and trusting your instincts, the Linthorsts say.
They call this “growing up with your children,” and, for help explaining this concept, they turn to the distinction New York psychiatrist Thomas Hora made between “teaching parents, daydreaming parents and learning parents.”
Ann explained: “Most of us tend to be teaching parents, thinking we have to have all the answers, incessantly telling our children what to do and what not to do.
“Daydreaming parents are those who are so lost in their personal dramas that they scarcely notice their children.
“Learning parents are busy making their own discoveries about what life is, how it works and man’s place in it, and they share their discoveries with their children without even trying. Being a learning parent thus lifts from us the onus of godlike responsibility. It also tends to prevent us from falling into the biggest parental pitfall: making our children into objects and therefore into potential adversaries.”
*
Often, those who end up having the biggest battles with their children are professionals who spend their workday telling employees what to do, then come home and try to “run their family like a business,” Jan Linthorst said.
“They’re used to managing their affairs efficiently, but they don’t realize a home shouldn’t be an efficiency operation.”
Those who approach parenting with the mind-set of a manager are setting themselves up for power struggles with their children, Linthorst cautioned during a recent parenting workshop. “In a managing mind-set, it’s a matter of wills. The will of the grown-up and the will of the child are pitted against each other. And in a power struggle, nobody wins,” he said.
He believes in the kind of household Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs described in “Children: The Challenge,” a book that dates back to 1964, but, according to Linthorst, has yet to be surpassed by any other parenting guide.
Dreikurs, who co-authored the book with Vicki Soltz, recommended that, instead of exercising power over children through punishment, parents allow them to learn from natural and logical consequences. For example, if a child forgets to take her lunch to school, the natural consequence--hunger--will provide the lesson. Or, if a 3-year-old refuses to stay out of the street, a logical consequence would be to restrict his play area to the house until he is ready to stay in the yard.
Dreikurs urged parents to “arrange learning situations” for their children rather than resorting to force, which “incites rebellion and defeats the purpose of child raising.”
Dreikurs also suggested that parents hold weekly “family council” meetings during which each member has the right to be heard and problems are resolved by the ruling of the majority. Addressing family problems as a group helps develop an atmosphere of mutual respect; children become more cooperative as they learn what it takes to live comfortably and happily with others, Dreikurs maintained.
*
Linthorst pointed out that developing discipline is not a matter of lecturing, assigning duties, giving rewards and taking away privileges. It grows out of the overall home environment--the shared routine, values, atmosphere and dialogue that enable a group of individuals to live in harmony, he said.
Routine is crucial to the development of discipline, and it’s the primary way children gain a sense of security, Linthorst observed. Although it may be difficult for today’s two-career couples to maintain a regular schedule, children thrive on predictability. They need to know when to expect meals, when to do homework, when they can play or watch TV and when it’s time to go to bed.
Discipline also grows out of the climate in the home, which is determined primarily by the relationship between the parents. “If the parents are cooperative toward each other, then cooperation becomes a family standard and the children learn to be cooperative,” Linthorst said. “If the parents are hostile and compete for dominance, the same pattern develops among the children.
“Children and parents discipline themselves by maintaining a light, humorous, loving, gracious climate in the home.”
Dialogue is another important tool for establishing discipline, and it shouldn’t always revolve around a serious issue. Linthorst recommended that parents master the art of “nonversation”--light talk that allows a family to have fun together. Linthorst said it’s time to get off the fast-food track and bring back the ritual of the family dinner. At least several nights a week, parents should provide a meal in a relaxed setting and encourage children to share interests, jokes and stories. No bickering allowed.
Linthorst pointed out that, in a home where everyone feels free to express their individuality, children learn to become “inner-directed,” to act on their best instincts, while those raised by domineering parents tend to become “other-directed”--”they take their cues from others, and they are always waiting for permission.”
It takes a secure parent to create what Linthorst calls an “open family system” that allows for constant give-and-take and makes adults and children equals participating in each other’s growth.
It takes someone who can step aside in the midst of a power struggle with a child and, instead of taking action that will assure an adult victory, ask, “What’s going on here? What can I learn from this?” After listening to what the child has to say, you may discover that you need to change your approach to solving the problem. And that may involve the toughest challenge of all--admitting you’ve made a mistake.
Linthorst said that in families where parents are “growing up with their children,” adults admit mistakes and apologize for them as readily as children do. “If you want your child to admit mistakes, you need to set the tone by modeling that,” he said. “When a parent can admit mistakes, the children see a person who is flexible, changeable. That comes across as warmth. It’s humble. It’s grown-up. It brings a lot of vitality, energy, love and affection into the home.”
That’s the kind of atmosphere Bob and Robin, a Fountain Valley couple who asked for anonymity, want to create for their 1-year-old son, Brian. And after attending Linthorst’s workshop, they agreed that parenting is a lot more challenging when you approach it in a receptive frame of mind than when you start with the idea that you know it all.
Bob said he wants to be the kind of dad who keeps learning and getting better, not one who is “static, dead, just reacting.”
He’s already beginning to feel closer to Brian as a result of relating to him in a more creative way. For example, Bob recently took his son for a walk, and rather than mimicking Brian’s sounds as he pushed the stroller, he decided it would be better to talk to him man-to-man. Bob found himself enjoying the challenge of conversing with a toddler, instead of wishing he were home watching TV or reading a book.
“There’s been a change in my way of looking at the time we spend together,” Bob said. “Before, I saw it as a burden, something you should do to have a good family life. Now I see the time I spend with him as a privilege.”
