Sexual Healing : An estimated 6% of Americans have a sex addiction. Twelve-step programs, books and treatment centers can offer help.
You have all heard of relationships ruined by “skirt-chasing husbands” or wives who conducted a series of extramarital affairs. What you--and the players themselves--may not have realized is that in many cases the destructive behavior was the manifestation of sex addiction.
Between 1974 and 1977 researchers were primarily interested in the neurochemical or physical aspect of addictions such as alcohol and nicotine use. But their research generated interest in studying other compulsive behaviors related to shopping, working and sex. And by 1977 the National Science Foundation targeted sex addiction as an area for research, according to Patrick Carnes Ph.D., a leading psychologist in the field of family therapy and addiction.
The researchers could have learned a lot just by talking to a 65- year-old resident of Thousand Oaks, who requested we not use his name. This man has three grown children and six grandchildren. He is currently married and describes himself as a recovering sex and lust addict.
He has been helped by participation in specially tailored 12-step programs, and he makes himself available to help others suffering from similar compulsions.
“You’d be surprised how many older people are involved. There are people in their 80s who come in who are suicidal over their lust. But the sexual behavior is just the manifestation of a compulsive illness,” he said.
“I lost my first family due to this. And I almost lost the second one.”
For him, the compulsion took the form of seduction and conquest. “The addict cannot just admire a lovely woman. When he enters a room he is already searching for a conquest. That’s the rush or high,” he said.
“When I was 47 years old and losing my second marriage, I hit bottom. I was on my last sex binge with a prostitute. And when I was sitting there in the motel room, it dawned on me that in three days I’m going to be looking for another one.”
But he found help, he said, in understanding the underlying causes of his mental obsession and has practiced what he calls “sexual sobriety” for nearly two decades.
“It’s clearly an intimacy disorder. The nature of the illness is such that it is both a family systems problem and an illness internal to the addict,” said Carnes, clinical director of the Del Amo Hospital Sexual Dependency Program in Torrance. The program, he said, is one of about 60 such programs across the country.
“We suspect that 6% of the adults in the United States are sex addicts. And we estimate that between 3 (million) and 6 million people nationwide are recovering sex addicts,” said Carnes.
What complicates treatment and recovery, Carnes said, is that people who have trouble with addiction seldom have just one.
“Addiction has a wide variety of contributing factors including neurochemical and post-traumatic syndrome for child abuse. That is why it is such a powerful thing,” Carnes said. Experts estimate that about 42% of sex addicts who are in recovery across the country were also chemically dependent, and 38% of the same group also had eating disorders, said Carnes.
“We found that the more severely you were sexually and physically abused as a child, the more addictions you have as an adult.” But he said predictable behavior patterns emerge when people enter recovery and follow the regimen set up by the therapists in 12-step organizations.
Carnes said that many sex addicts know they are in serious trouble by the age of 14 or 15, but they are not usually treated until adulthood. And, he said, 144 behaviors have been identified within 10 to 11 types of sex addiction.
These categories include the fantasy or romance addict of both genders, who is most likely to masturbate to the point of injury. There is “seductive role sex,” which is power and conquest. Exhibitionism and “visual-voyeuristic” addiction involves pornography and X-rated movies. And another manifestation of sex addiction is anonymous sex that often involves cruising bars, beaches and bath houses.
“We see seniors who have sex addiction problems because these are lifetime issues,” said Carnes.
“Unfortunately 40 to 50 years ago there was no technology or understanding of the sexual addict.”
FYI
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), is an international organization formed in 1979 and based on the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program. It serves those who want to stop their sexually self-destructive thinking and behavior. You can reach the local chapter by calling 581-3343 or by writing P.O. Box 300, Simi Valley, CA 93062.
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The following books by Patrick Carnes Ph.D., discuss sexual addiction and the recovery process:
* “Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addition”
* “Contrary to Love”
* “Don’t Call it Love.”
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To contact the Del Amo Hospital Sexual Dependency Program, call 800-533-5266. For further referrals to sex addiction recovery groups, call the UCLA help line at 800-222-5465.
